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The past few days has been the worst days in the history of my years...or at least a very close second. It's been a frigging emotional rollercoaster, and by last period today I gave up on trying to be happy.

First things first.
Wednesday night: Because I'm going to do this chronologically. I run off the bus and get home at about 4:30, finding my dad leaving to go do god knows what, and he knows that I have to be at the Westerner for marching uniform fitting at five. I warn him to be home in at least 15 minutes. He promises and then speedily flys through the back alley, neglectifully leavig the garage door wide open. So I close the door and walk inside. Grabbing my band stuff, my clarinet, music and garment bag for the new uniform, I try to get some homework done before my father returned. Surprise surprise when he didn't show up back at home until five to 5. I run to get my shoes from the back porch, because he decided to park in the front, and he gets frustrated and begins to lecture me about being on time and s**t like that. Now I wasn't going to say anything because of a few reasons he was allowed to be grouchy. One being he has a pinched nerve at the back of his neck, causiong his right arm to be useless without searing pain; Two being he's not home enough to understand how a home actually runs, or how to manage people other then himself; three being he's noty naturally a patient man, and one whos technilogically challenged. For example, he can't work the tv without either mom, Ian or I there to show him which buttons to press first.

So I get to royals, get snapped at by Krystas short and pissy mom about touching my uniform before having it handed to me. I shrug it off, because she had been stretched to the breaking point by the delayed shipment of the uniforms and then having to organize all of the other parents all day. So then by the time the fittings done, I go outside and lay on top of moms van in the middle of the parking lot. It was cold but I really didn't want to back inside. Then came royals, which was uneventful as usual. Considering I don't have a fixed group, I'm a floater and it pisses me off that I am, and that I have been since the beginning of last years season; nonetheless it was an okay rehersal.

Mom has to stay and help Krystas mom with the uniforms some more, so my dad has to drive me home. I go and talk with a few of my friends about something serious, he comes up beside me with an irritated look on his face bacause he was ready and I wasn't. I was ready, I was just talking. Anyways so I told him that I would be but a minute and that he could go on to the van without me. A minute goes by and I say g'nite to my friends and head out to the van, which was covered with snow (because it frigging snowed) and what did I find? All of the doors locked. I head back into the westerner and there he comes, walking slowly and so I simply asked him where he had been, and he said he was talking to a friend of his and would be at the van in a bit. So I wait patiently at the other side of the hall to give him whatever privacy he needed and just before I was about to say something, he turns and starts to walk away from his bud, without even saying goodbye. I've learned after years of experience that when he doesn't use his manners, it didn't bode well for his temperment at the moment. Trying to lighten the mood I asked him what he though of our feild show and he grimaced and didn't bother to hide the rude note in his voice as he answered, "Oh that racket? I had to leave because it was hurting my ears to liten to it."

I don't know why I even set myself up for the dissapointment, because like normal, it came. No, he wouldn't be the person who would say something nice about my hobbies. Not even to pretend to make me feel better. I almost felt like crying when he said that. "It wasn't noise! It was music!" I wanted to scream it, but I knew that it wouldn't have helped anything, only hinder, so I kept my mouth shut. As I layed in bed that night, I realized that he never liked any of my hobbies, calling them all useless. Skating: "What is she going to do with that? She can't get good enough to support herself when she's older doing that". Art: "Well of course you can do it hunny. As long as you were born with the talent, and by looking at those stick people, I'd say that you weren't born with it". Showjumping: "English riding eh? What a bunch of crock that is. It serves no purpose. At least when you ride western you can larn something to do with work".

And now my music. It's starting to make me feel worthless and I hate feeling ******** worthless. I hate feeling normal. But thats what I am. I'm not extraordinary like someone who is a genius and gets straight A's, or someone who can hear a melody and can play it on his guitar right away. Or Even draw or write a story. I'm what my mom would call "Full of many talents. Master of none."

It seems I'm getting a bit off topic here, so I'll skip the seemingly uneventful day and go right to today.

Before school: my alarm blares in my ear at 7, I sit up fast and slam my head onto the side of my dresser. So it's happen before, I groan and flip over, hoping for another ten minutes of rest before I have to leave my nice and warm bed. What I forgot was that I didn't manage to get myself to bed and asleep until just before 4. My brain shuts down and I fall fast asleep. I wake up to a bunch of icecubes and a cupfull of ice cold water splashing onto my face at 7:55, ten minutes before I have to leave the house for the bus. So I'm rushing, just manage to brush my teeth and comb my hair before grabbing my backpack and running for the bus with my dad yelling through the window at me about something along the lines of 'Next time wake up on bloody time' or something like that. I make it to the bus stop, out of breath, but just on time.

First period:Gym-Rugby. Not too bad. A sub. A sub who would read over my shoulder when I was doing my science homework. Yes I do my science homework during gym, and why not? I didn't have my gym strip, and the sub didn't care as long as I didn't skip. He seemed to think that I was doing my chemistry homework for extracarricular reasons because he went to his car, leaving the gym class alone for about fifteen minutes. Nonetheless, the rugby group starting tackling instead of touch, and more people skipped. So by the time he came back, with a breifcase, instead of the original 30 kids in the class, there were twelve. Ten actually playing the game. I was standing, half watching, and writing down answers when he comes up and give me chemistry carttons he pulled from the breifcase. I was kinda irritated, because the forty questions were due the next class, but being the nice person I was, I smiled at each of the twelve cartoons he showed me before going back to my work. I was kinda weirded out to say the least.

Second period: Science. Since I had skipped the day before, and we covered alot of ground, I was lost. I finally got on track after alot of help from Melissa, the smart friend sitting one up from me, I was easily rattling of Alkaline earth metals and learning ionic compounds. Then miss Rupert handed out progress reports. I'm failing science...sort of...I have a 54. I couldn't stop laughing. For half of class I was giggling in the corner, trying to stay happy and not growl for the rest of the day. I sat down and did my homework, passed the homework check on the homework that I did in gym and was still laughing when we were dismissed at lunch.

Lunch: I met up with Joshua, a kid who gets 90+ in all of his classes and was a good little christian and he was astonished. He was spewing some crap to me saying "Your so smart! Why don't you hand in your stuff and get the marks?!" I kinda tuned him out after that...I was still laughing about the mark to keep from being pissed. That was, until he said something that I never Ever though to hear from that kid. "Geez...You stupid b***h, you need to hand in your stuff." I was so shocked that I dropped my binder, but he didn't notice, he was still chastising my decisions. That was the very first time I ever heard him swear. Very first. It didn't help my mood, but I hid it because he didn't notice what he was saying, and he's always been a nice kid.

I let him rant for a bit more before I walked down to the corner, but was stopped by Krysta, who started yabbering to me about nothing in particular. Then she went silent for amoment and said that the day before, at my onld job (she still works there) my best job friend had had a seizure. He was epileptic, but it still sent me reeling. He was a cook and working over the grill. You can guess what I was thinking. But no, luckily he fell sideways and instead of burning his face on the grill, he slammed his head against the leg of the cemented table. Not surprisingly he went to the hospital. After hearing that...I was stretched tight emotionally.

After saying goodbye to Krysta and making her promise to call me and tell me about Geffy later, I walked to the corner where all my friends hang out at lunch. I sit down in my corner and was just about to open up my pizza when Liz told me that she and I needed to 'talk'. I thought that she needed to talk to someone about something involving her family, so I get up and she starts to head outside. I follow. As soon as we are outside, she tells me that yesterday when I had thought that my friend had been sleeping on the floor, he was actally in a hypoglocemic shock and had almost died. They had called an ambulance and he went to the hospital and was treated. He didn't want me to know because he thought I would flip. I screamed then. Right there. My super tight emotions just snapped. I yelled nice and loud "I am flipping!" but by aknowledgeing that fact, I all of a sudden had tears in my eyes. Now more angry then anything and now more at myself, I blinked them away and kept walking, even when Liz tried to get me to stop walking. She was pushing on my shoulders to try and get me to stop walking, but I pushed harder against hers, and I kept walking. She practically yelled at me then, "Stop walking!" and I had to reply back, "I have to keep walking. If I stop walking I'm going to do something I'll regret!"

That something was probably going to be a breakdown.

Realizing how close I was to actually doing that, closest I had been in years, I went cold. I don't know how to explain it. I just stopped feeling. I went numb. The sad thing was, I always do that whenever my emotions begin to fray. When I went in to see a counselor about getting a friend some help, I went cold. Not the best Idea, the counselor though I was holding stuff back, and Riley called it the best poker face he had seen in forever. How could I have explained to him that I go cold when I feel cornered and helpless? He was so distraught, I had to stay strong and not aknowledge the emotions that were churning in my head even if all I wanted to do was scream.

Liz and I went to a spot out of the wind, because she wasn't wearing a jacket. I didn't care, I couldn't feel the cold anymore anyways. She explained to me that she would have gotten me, but she didn't know what class I was in. I laughed, she looked at me like I was crazy. I wasn't acting the same as I was not three minutes ago. I didn't care to tell her that I went cold. We walked back in and she went to go find me a soccer ball or something hard for me to releash some feelings into, but I told her not to bother. I walked back to the corner, gave mike my pizza and crackers, because now I really didn't feel like eating anything. I drank my juice, grabbed my backpack and went outside, totally oblivious that Brett was following me. He caught up to me halfway down the hallway and we walked around the school before just sitting down. My mind went blank. My emotions were snapped and I was numb. He seemed actually concerned about me, but I didn't feel like saying anything. I didn't want to go in, but he was getting cold. I again hadn't noticed the chilly wind. We went in, I went to class.

Period 4: English class. I almost couldn't stand just sitting there. Cutting out pictures from magazines to make a collage about Mercutio from 'Romeo and Juliet'. NOthing interesting happened. I just sat there, twirling the kiddie scissors around my fingers until they were spinning so fast the blade caught the edge of my finger and stopped. Almost bled. Too bad it didn't.

Period 5: Choir. We were out to the Mitchener Center to sing to the mentally handicapped. And I felt like I could fit right in. I was antisocial and silent when we drove down, Neil tried to cheer me up by saying the ever popular song in the choir "Aj's Mom has got it going on". Started with a small joke and it usually makes me either laugh or throw something at Neil, now I didn't care. I just wished the noise around me would stop. We sang and there was the one person who would stand up and walk right up beside us and watch us. I couldn't help but smile at his innocence.

There are alot of people in the choir who were afriad of the handicapped there, I could only admire their thinking. They were like children, innocent of their deeds and gave no thought of anything but now. They didn't have to worry about a future because they would always have a person to look after them. When he stood up for the third time, I looke to his handler and could help but smiling once again. He had a giant grin on his face as his charge walked up to the choir and stared at us. one of the people on the end row of the choir, she was frightened and ran up the sdtage. He stood right in front of me , and I smiled into his innocent eyes and kept on singing. He smiled back and then sat down, rocking back and forth to the music.

On the way back home, I saw another friend of mine, crying, alone on the seat with he legs tucked in front of her and trying to hide her blatent tears. So I decided that instead of wallowing in my own thoughts, I could at least make someone elses day brighter. We talked, and she explained to me that she was having alot of problems with her boyfriend. And her, being a very emotional person, took it seriously. I talked and comforted, wiped away whatever tears she didn't catch. I always tryed to help this girl, because she has had a history of abuse and the like. I give her a hug everytime I see her, because no one gives her hugs, and tell her shes beautiful, because she doesn't get enough compliments about how she looks. And she doesn't feel pretty, so the more she hears it, the more she's going to believe it. Now I find myself thinking back and wondering when the last was when I got a spontanious hug, and I realize it was at least a few months ago, and that was because he wanted to make me uncomfortable. It worked.

So back to school we went, and were dismissed early. I went to the cafetieria and saw Cody, one who had gone into hypoglocemic shock the day before, and so I sat with him. Started talking. When I asked him why he was showing Riley his new emergency settings he said "So he doesn't screw them up again". So I asked him when Riley had screwed them up, and he said "When we were paracticing a drill". Needless to say I felt distrusted, and it hurt. I asked Riely why he needed to know the emergency settings again, and Riley looked towards Cody, as if asking for an answer to the question. It was Cody who replied to me "For emergency situations". That hurt. Not only did he not trust me enough to tell me, but he didn't want me to know period. I left the table without a goodbye. And felt guilty for that. Then Eric came up and we started talking and he pointed his finger in my face. I like face space, so I did what I always do. I grabbed his finger and twisted it backwards until I heard a 'pop'. Then I knew I went too far. I dislocated his finger. And felt like s**t. I walked to the bus fast and pissed.

After school: Got on the bus, temporarily fixed my cd player and started listening to Aqua, the band of old times and I remember listening to it when I was little. I gave one earpeice to Amber-Jane, my other favorite A.J and we sang all the bus trip to her stop, and then I just went quiet. My other friend on the bus didn't even say goodbye when he went off the bus. I guess that just seemed like a personal strike against me, when I knew it wasn't. He was just listening to his music, and I was listening to mine.

I got off at my stop, swore loudly halfway home, in front of a bunch of preschoolers, when my cd player decided to stop playing, before practically running home. I dropped my bag at the door and grabbed the punching bag. Practically throwing the chair off of the swing set hooks, I warred with the damn punching bag ropes for ten minutes before I got it on. Then I went nuts. Punching, kicking, screaming. I hurt my wrist because I bent it a little too much when I punched the damn thing, but I didn't care. I was just going crazy. I kept going for about a good twenty minutes. Finally I just collapsed and I sat there on the cold ground. Almost sobbing, but I wouldn't let the tears out. I wouldn't allow myself to. I couldn't allow myself to. Finally I just stood up and walked, drained of energy back inside.

My dad was watching Tv. Big surprise there. He was watching a western and had monopolized the couches. All three of them had his stuff on them, which left no room for me to sit. Except the floor. So I did. I sat on the floor and watched old westers until he was called away to go to the chiropracters once again. I flipped through channels until my brother got off the computor, my dad got back and started to read over my shoulder the beginning of this entry. I growled at him to go back to his precious tv, almoist wanting to add something a bit more nasty to him, but I just can't make myself too rude because then I feel really guilty. To top off the whole delightful day, I have my period. Why is it that when a girl starts, the world conspires to make her homocidal?

That leads me to now, three hours later. Three and a half hours later. This is the longest thing I think I've ever written about and I don't know If I even want to click the submit button. But I will. Because after writing this, I feel drained and lethargic. I don't Care anymore, and I don't think I will for a little bit. I don't even know if anyone still reads journals, or if anyone even cares to read someones whole entry. Heh...I don't know why they want to know about someone elses life...but Oh well.

<center>Hope your days end up better then mine. Because otherwise...they would suck
o.<

--Hoshit. Alot of writing. I almost feel sorry for whoevers going to read that.--