Rebirth. In order to be reborn one must die, am I correct? This time in my life, though delayed can only be described as a death of my former self. I am dying, not physically, my emotional and mental state up until now is. You see, my death began when my father passed, things haven’t been the same and never will be. Things got better however several months after, I learned happiness again although it was different and everything was going well.
Recently the balancing act that is my life started to wobble however. My mother has gained a boyfriend, not a horrible thing in its self. He is a nice man and gentle, he is good for her. The reason this has thrummed the cord of my high wire act is because he lives in another country; and when my mother moves, I move with her. I would love to go to another country and live for a while, but this isn’t a good time.
Another thrum of the cord would have to be my graduation. This for most people is enough to demolish their old life in hopes to start anew, for me however, its making everything worse. My friends, my school, my safety. All of it will be gone, and I cannot stop it.
The wobbling is getting worse still, and the acrobat has lost her balancing pole. My best friend and I are growing farther, and farther apart. She lives in Alaska, and we speak to each other only through IM. This was fine, until I've started loosing time for it. With High School ending and College beginning, will I be able to keep our friendship together? I hope so.
The acrobat is loosing her balance. A person, the person that I adore. The person I fear to say that I love because it will only lead to more pain. I've refused to be with them because of reasons that may not make sense. Every time I see him, my heart swells and bursts as if it were a balloon over full of air, and a small needle inserted into its side.
The acrobat is so close to falling, it will happen soon I fear. A new acrobat, one with new techniques, a new personality, will appear to replace her. This won't be the end because the show never stops. The dance never ends. The high wire act will always continue. While this life may end a new one will begin, no matter how much I miss the old.
Many people may take the posts in my journal and see a person who hates life, who is sad constantly but that simply isn’t true. I am usually a very happy person, I write here mostly when I am overwhelmed with an emotion that my body simply cannot contain it anymore and my thoughts must come out.
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Noswaith Drwg
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