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1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. heart
2. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
3. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
4. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
5. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'
6. Men are like bank accounts.
7. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
8. Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss
9. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
10. You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'
11. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
12. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
13. If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
14. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
15. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
16. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants
17. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
18. Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
19. No, please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids,eat them.
20. Stan: Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.