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i really try i think i try. soon as it seems ok it just gets worse. i don't think i am doing this right. i really am begging to not care anymore. i just doesn't seem to be worth it. i try and try and try. i just want her to be happy but it seems i only make her mad and upset. i just don't want to feel so terriable on the inside. its that old hurt throbbing again. i don't want to deal with it anymore. i thought i wouldn't deal with this anymore i was supposed to never date again and just screw off with vid games and mountain dew. never was i supposed to have to deal with women in a dating sense. now that i have i am just unhappy because she is unhappy and looks like she wasn't planning to take me serious anyways i was just some guy to date for a while then dump off. i mean if that was the kind of relashionship i was planning for then it would be fine but i don't want that kind of relashionship. but it seems it doesn't matter. i can't get the bad feeling away no matter how much i push it away it doesn't leave. it just stays through the vid games and the mountain dew and through all my efforts to get ride of the pain fail. i just want to release all this feelings but the only way i know isn't a good way it is just self harm and that isn't what i want to go back to. i don't know what to do. i am so lost in this and i don't have someone to help me with it. part of me wants to just go and hold her and have her tell me its all right but another wants me to go and end it now so maybe the hurting will stop faster. the bigger part of me wants to believe it will last longer but i have a feeling that she is just planning to be nice for a while to try and lighten the blow. she just stopped liking me and i can't blame her for it. i just want it all to go away but i won't and if it did i still wouldn't be happy just empty. a friend told to just try and work it out because its better than giving up but i feel like i am to immature to deal with this. she seems to be on top of everything and have it planned out. i feel like i moving through the dark with a lighter. it just makes me feel terrable for not being able to make everything good and happy for everyone and thinking that i lack the strength to do that makes me feel even worse.