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Yeah, I've had it up to the heaven's with relationships and people and trusting and RHARGH!!! I can't stand the fact of looking for happiness, finding it and then having it get ripped from you like a mother whose child is stolen from the womb. It sickens me because right after having that happiness get ripped from your hands, the problems begin as a snowball rolling down a hill and then it becomes a boulder of frigid destruction. It's like you can't just have a problem and just have that one problem to deal with. No. They all want to accumilate on you like a quickly festering sore in numbers. And they just won't stop....Not until you've either locked yourself away into seclusion or commited suicide. The latter is the cowardly way out, so screw that crap. But as of right now......As soon as I get all the things I need from people, they will cease to see me unless they come to me. I'm sick and tired of getting into drama around someone else's area of living. It sickens me that this teen drama bullcrap just won't leave me alone. There's only one thing though....The one thing that I'm actually happy about is that I get to see who my real friends are, from those who implated themselves into where my friends should be. Those two faced little shites that are rearing their ugly heads out of what they say they are and show who and what they really are. I'm broken, battered, withered, tattered and I just want a release....Just some freedom. Just a bit of carefreeness that I can know that I can go about doing without having a karmic occurance or being in a position where someone exploits me for the child I was and the emotionless young man I now am. Nothing left. Only ominous feelings everywhere. About every person in my actual life. I trust basically no one and love none but my family(all sides of it). Hopefully I stay alone forever...Then I won't have to have my emotions broken inside of me and I won't have to force them out of my being. That takes too much energy that I no longer have and I can't deal with crap anymore. I just want someone that I don't care about to question me with the "Why are you doing this to me and to your friends?" just so that I could look at them, smile and then wail on them verbally and then if it comes to it, physically. As of right now. People are welcome near me, but no one, NO ONE will ever get close to me again. I'm sick and tired of having to pick out the shards of broken persona that lie within my being after someone else's crap and then, with these bits and pieces, put myself back together, but there's a problem with that. I begin to heal and feel like myself again after anything, but I find myself in new situations where I tell myself I'm 100% and I'm not even 40. Then I get shattered again and have to start over again and go through even more strenous pain with less defences. To hell with that crap. Maybe the angels will carry me off in my sleep.*shrugs* It's stuff like that that makes me think about everything and just understand that in a waking instant or a sleeping one, this mortal coil can spring you off it and into the afterlife. It's just a problem when you have more days and nights hoping and praying for it, then dreading it.