ok, i really love him. i have been so weird lately though. i haven't been feeling so good
god i feel like utter s**t
i was such a b***h to him
the past few nights
i hope he forgives me
i mean i am doubting his love for me
even though i know he does
he cares for me more then anyone has
but lately
my mind has been so cluddered
i want to tell him what i am feeling
but instead i hide away
like a little child who done wrong
i do not want this
tonight
was very unusual
i was really happy
then something in my head triggered
i felt nothing but hate
i wanted to stab people
i couldnt tell why
because i didnt know
he doesnt understand that
but then i got really depressed
i started to fall into a darkness
i didnt feel like myself.
i do not remember much of what happened
it is all mostly a blur to me
i do know
that i hung up on him
i didnt mean to!
after i did
i hoped and prayed that he would call back
i hung up on him at 10-30pm
it is now a little after 12am
and yet i am still waiting
still clutching my phone
in desperation
i tried calling back to say sorry
there was no ring
too scared to leave a message
i then became so hateful towards myself
that i even bitched him out for no reason on the comp in an offline
i think i am going to advoid the comp for a while
i mean i havent really been on lately
sleep
that is all i do
i am turning into what i was 2yrs ago again
i dont want this
he doesnt need this
i still think he made the wrong choice
no matter what he says i no he is jealous over her new boyfriend
i think he does this as sympathy
i dont want to let him go
but if this keeps up
i am afraid i might have to
before things get out of hand
i dont care what happens to me
i really want him happy
damn i am pathetic
but i need this
he never cries!
ever!
and yet, for the past week, he has cried
and because of me
i cry
he cries
were is there a connection?
i cannot wait till april
maybe i need a week off from this shithole of a school
maybe i need to get away from it all
i dont want to talk to him for a while
i am afraid i might go hay-wire again
i have been having breakdowns in school
also i have been dealing with really bad stomache and head pains
but of course no one but him cares
he cares for me so much
and all i do is hurt!
i wish this would all change
i am hoping
no i am for once praying
that things go better
if i lose him ill be shattered
i am terrified that i will
i keep crying
yet i cant stop
bad things have been taunting my thoughts and dreams
every waking moment
either it is of him
or of tragedy
so much has happened to me since my parents split
i feel so alone
i feel like i have no one
after kaylas dad died (Feb. 13th 2007)
i have thought of my grandpa
he died before thanksgiving last year
i wished it was me who died
why is everyone getting cancer?
why is everyone leaving me?
why am i falling apart?
why am i still not happy?
so many questions
yet no one will answer me
what, tell me what it was
that i had done so wrong!
i think that if i were to die,
i would just re-live this life again
until the day i change it and set it right
i guess i will be repeating alot
i really need him right now
i am so worried
i miss him so much
i am hurting
and i know he too is hurting
all cause of me
im so dumb!
i wish i could die
but i do not want him to follow
i have the feeling he thinks i did something bad
after i hung up on him
i just hope he doesnt believe it
and do something himself
he keeps his word
and hell do it if need be
i do not want that!
i need him!
i cant stand waiting just to see him
i dont even know if i can leave this summer
if he cant go with me
then i will stay here with him
i really love him so much
i need to talk with him
i need to apologize
but what if i lose my head again?
i am so scared he is going to hate me
that i am driving myself mad
other things like i said
taunt my head
weither asleep
or awake
they're there
watching me
talking to me
killing me
if i could
i would give up
but i still have things to do
i need to see my new neice or nephew when they are born
i need to take care of my sister
i need to see my father
but right now
i am failing miserably at accomplishing these
i hope i even pass school
i cant wait till i am 18
weither in or not in school
i am moving away from this house
away from my family
i cant take it
my mother hates me
my father could careless
brandi is too far for me to reach
and no one else cares
i don't exsit in there world
i never did
i never will
i hope
that soon i will get better
i hope there is nothing wrong
and that all of this
will come to pass
that it is just a mere phase
i am sorry for all the trouble i have ever caused
if i could
i would take it back
but i know that i cant
well it is now past 12-30am
still my phone sends out silence
still i wait for it to ring
clutching it tightly
and still i weep
maybe tomarrow will be better
maybe i can finally break free from this depression
maybe my thoughts will leave me be
maybe, just...
maybe...
god i feel like utter s**t
i was such a b***h to him
the past few nights
i hope he forgives me
i mean i am doubting his love for me
even though i know he does
he cares for me more then anyone has
but lately
my mind has been so cluddered
i want to tell him what i am feeling
but instead i hide away
like a little child who done wrong
i do not want this
tonight
was very unusual
i was really happy
then something in my head triggered
i felt nothing but hate
i wanted to stab people
i couldnt tell why
because i didnt know
he doesnt understand that
but then i got really depressed
i started to fall into a darkness
i didnt feel like myself.
i do not remember much of what happened
it is all mostly a blur to me
i do know
that i hung up on him
i didnt mean to!
after i did
i hoped and prayed that he would call back
i hung up on him at 10-30pm
it is now a little after 12am
and yet i am still waiting
still clutching my phone
in desperation
i tried calling back to say sorry
there was no ring
too scared to leave a message
i then became so hateful towards myself
that i even bitched him out for no reason on the comp in an offline
i think i am going to advoid the comp for a while
i mean i havent really been on lately
sleep
that is all i do
i am turning into what i was 2yrs ago again
i dont want this
he doesnt need this
i still think he made the wrong choice
no matter what he says i no he is jealous over her new boyfriend
i think he does this as sympathy
i dont want to let him go
but if this keeps up
i am afraid i might have to
before things get out of hand
i dont care what happens to me
i really want him happy
damn i am pathetic
but i need this
he never cries!
ever!
and yet, for the past week, he has cried
and because of me
i cry
he cries
were is there a connection?
i cannot wait till april
maybe i need a week off from this shithole of a school
maybe i need to get away from it all
i dont want to talk to him for a while
i am afraid i might go hay-wire again
i have been having breakdowns in school
also i have been dealing with really bad stomache and head pains
but of course no one but him cares
he cares for me so much
and all i do is hurt!
i wish this would all change
i am hoping
no i am for once praying
that things go better
if i lose him ill be shattered
i am terrified that i will
i keep crying
yet i cant stop
bad things have been taunting my thoughts and dreams
every waking moment
either it is of him
or of tragedy
so much has happened to me since my parents split
i feel so alone
i feel like i have no one
after kaylas dad died (Feb. 13th 2007)
i have thought of my grandpa
he died before thanksgiving last year
i wished it was me who died
why is everyone getting cancer?
why is everyone leaving me?
why am i falling apart?
why am i still not happy?
so many questions
yet no one will answer me
what, tell me what it was
that i had done so wrong!
i think that if i were to die,
i would just re-live this life again
until the day i change it and set it right
i guess i will be repeating alot
i really need him right now
i am so worried
i miss him so much
i am hurting
and i know he too is hurting
all cause of me
im so dumb!
i wish i could die
but i do not want him to follow
i have the feeling he thinks i did something bad
after i hung up on him
i just hope he doesnt believe it
and do something himself
he keeps his word
and hell do it if need be
i do not want that!
i need him!
i cant stand waiting just to see him
i dont even know if i can leave this summer
if he cant go with me
then i will stay here with him
i really love him so much
i need to talk with him
i need to apologize
but what if i lose my head again?
i am so scared he is going to hate me
that i am driving myself mad
other things like i said
taunt my head
weither asleep
or awake
they're there
watching me
talking to me
killing me
if i could
i would give up
but i still have things to do
i need to see my new neice or nephew when they are born
i need to take care of my sister
i need to see my father
but right now
i am failing miserably at accomplishing these
i hope i even pass school
i cant wait till i am 18
weither in or not in school
i am moving away from this house
away from my family
i cant take it
my mother hates me
my father could careless
brandi is too far for me to reach
and no one else cares
i don't exsit in there world
i never did
i never will
i hope
that soon i will get better
i hope there is nothing wrong
and that all of this
will come to pass
that it is just a mere phase
i am sorry for all the trouble i have ever caused
if i could
i would take it back
but i know that i cant
well it is now past 12-30am
still my phone sends out silence
still i wait for it to ring
clutching it tightly
and still i weep
maybe tomarrow will be better
maybe i can finally break free from this depression
maybe my thoughts will leave me be
maybe, just...
maybe...
i poke...