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March 11, 2007
I don't know what to do. I was trying to just wait for Kaz to decide to talk to me, and he just left. Just left and went somewhere and I thought he'd at least have had the decency to IM me and tell me, but no, he wouldn't even IM me for that. So I broke down, I couldn't take it anymore and I called him. And he ignored me most of the time. And no, I didn't talk much, I was too upset, but when he finally asked if I wanted him to go home and talk to me I told him yes. I just needed him then. But he wouldn't do it. He asked me if I wanted him to, but he didn't do it. He just went to his friend's house and then ended up giving the phone to his friends so they could laugh at me and not give the phone back to him, and by the time he got it back and ran down and I had to find their number and call their house. So by then he came home. But not after putting me through one of the worst things he's put me through in a long time. It's just like old times when he didn't care about me. Only now he tries to say he does care about me, even while laughing at me with his friends. And my worst fear was confirmed, that he had told personal things to someone who doesn't like me. The last person who I would want knowing about my personal life, and it was handed right to him. Here I'd been afraid this person would simply look in Kaz's journal, but no, Kaz made it easier than that for him. I feel like such an idiot for trying to have a closing meaningful relationship with someone. I don't take things like this lightly, and it takes a long time for me to get close to anyone, and this is the closest I've ever been to anyone, the farthest I've ever been with anyone, and I just feel betrayed. Like I don't dare do it again or something worse will happen. And now all these other people are trying to step in and help out but it isn't helpful. I spoke with Kaz about it and I thought it was, for the most part, resolved. At least as resolved as it can ever be after breaking my heart so many times. But they're trying to get him to take a break and block me. I don't mind taking a break but it doesn't need to be by blocking anyone. The thing is, I was taking a break myself by not talking to him but it wasn't working. And there were things I needed to tell him which I told him last night finally. I need to be able to talk with him some. I can deal with talking with him less. Right now I don't think I really want to talk to him a whole lot, for the same reason I haven't been wanting to. He just hurts me over and over. All I can think about is how sweet he seemed in person. He just doesn't seem like the same person. He doesn't seem capable of all the horrible things he does when he's not with me in real life. I just wish they'd all let us handle it ourselves. Now I feel like I just want to have a talk with him without anyone else's involvement, but I don't even know if he'll let me.
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