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My life has been speeding by me with no knowledge of what to do. I really am getting in such bad arguments with my parents, it's not even funny. They don't trust me and I've seriously tried to earn that trust back. I need to be given the chance to fullfill my daughter duties, but to do that, i need to have the trust of my parents. I work hard and haven't lied in quite some time. The things that made me lose their trust are in the past and haven't been done sense I lost their trust.

Where has the life i wanted gone? When my parents were married, I felt happy and that I knew what to do with my life. But when my mom got remarried to this stupid hisband if hers, my life went in the shitter.

My dad moved out and I tried to keep a close bond to him, i still do. I love him and I get to see him everyday. But, being with him, is where I feel most at home.

When I go home, to my mothers house, i either go onto the computer to talk to friends or grab the phone and talk to friends in my room. My room is my sanctuary.

********. I feel this need that I have to fill and I can't do that with my parents in the way. I want to live somewhere else. I feel that if I'm there, with out my parents, that i can truely be happy with who i am. I've been thinking about emancipation, but am unsure if I should do it. If I left my parents, i would either live with my sister in Spokane, talk to my brother in California, talk to my cousin in Oregon, or just planely, move out and live somewhere hella far from here.

My friend tries to reason with me, but she can't do it right. I am so hard headed when it comes to things I believe in. Reasoning isn't my style, emotions are. I am, sadly, a very emotional person, it's like PMSing alot. lol. But it's hard to deal with it.

I feel like finding a religon. I have a religon, but most, nearly all, don't agree with me. The ******** christianity destroyed it and anyone who hears what I am calls me crazy. I am embarrased (sp) to admit what I am in fear of hatred and rejection.

But I naturally fear rejection. I lie to keep my feelings hidden 24/7. I seriosusly can't be the true me and I have never been the true me. No one has truely ever seen the real me, but me. I don't even know if there is a real me. I've been so wrapped up in the lies, that I don't even know who I am.

Maybe that is my true purpose in life: to find the real me and to find the person who can truely accept me for me. Maybe no one will ever accept me. Maybe my life is just going to be me faking my life. I hope that the person I find, if ever, will whisper in my ear "I love you and that will never change no matter how much you do." Cheesy, that's the way i am. I want the classic.

Most people just accept that the person they've been hanging around with a lot as their boyfriend/girlfriend, but I need the person to ask me. I guess, it just fills the void of doubt I have. Most think I'm weird for asking that of them, but do it anyways.

Well, ********, this is getting long. I need comments people. This is, seriously, the first serious journal entry and I don't know if I should write them...so if I get some stupid "random" ******** comments, I'm going to s**t a chicken and then throw it at the ********.