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Alright I've decided to put down a whole lot of stuff in no particular order at all. Just wanted to put down thoughts that have been running through my head lately in no particular order. So here it goes;

First off I shall write about something that I have been writing a lot about lately and that's Mari, but not just her, I'm going to talk about Roni and love in general as well in this paragraph. Alright, well lately I've been thinking about things with Mari, was it really love? I'm honestly not sure anymore, I do believe that I loved her and most likely still do, but sometimes love takes time and that's something our relationship just didn't have. No time together, or to experience things due to her leaving so quickly and I see that now. Do I still love her, yeah I care about her a lot and oneday who knows what will happen, but there isn't a point in waiting for her since I know she won't wait for me. She's planning on losing weight and dressing cuter for guys back in Japan, so that basically lets me know that she wants a new boyfriend, just not that it be me. That thought does hurt yes, but as long as she's happy I'll be happy for her. I mean she's young and needs to experience her life which I undestand completely, I plan on doing the same with mine. I don't want a new girlfriend right now nor am I interested in any other girls right now in my life, I just don't want to base my life around being with someone else for now, nor do I believe in casual sex or anything like that so I'll be celibate for now and I'm fine with that. I'm going to focus on martial arts, sports and school. I want to get back into shape for me, not for anyone else, this body doesn't feel like mine, it hasn't for years now and I miss being fit so I'm going to do it again. No one knows what the future holds but I'm not going to wait for it, I'm going to do what I have to, to actually make something of myself, something to be proud of^^ if I end up with her then I end up with her if I don't then life will go on, there are many people out there that reflect pieces of our soul, whether she's one of those people or my actual soul mate only time will tell.

Alright now onto Roni, do I still love Roni? I'd have to say yes to that too, but not as a lover, not anymore at least. I love her as a friend now, because so much bad stuff has happened between us I'd say the romance is gone. If she really needs something I'll help her out but I mean life has to go on and she's made her choices about who she wants. My heart's let go of her now though I will still be her friend if she wants to be that, just that things won't ever be like they were before, and honestly that's probably for the best. Oneday she'll find someone to love who loves her completely and I will be happy for her, but first she has to be happy with herself and learn to love herself. She has to be a more complete person, which is what I have to do as well. I wish her the best in finding herself too.

Now onto Love, that's a really touchy subject isn't it? Do I believe in love? I'd have to say yes to that as well, yes I believe in love even though I've had my heart broken so many times. Life is full of pain and heartache, of having our world stripped away from us, and yet we cling to those moments when we're standing on solid ground instead of drowning in liquid, for those moments when everything feels right, no matter how few and far between they are. Those moments of clarity in the fog that is life are things to hold onto, and those we love, we truly love we should hold onto forever. Do soul mates exist, yes I think they do, it's just that there are many people out there that reflect facets of our soul, these partial mirrors can lead us to believe that is our soul mate, but finding one's true soul mate is rare and a person can go their entire life without finding them. There is only one person that reflects us completely, that shows our soul perfectly and in it's entirety and that person is our soul mate, the person that echoes us. We might know our soul mate our entire lives and yet never realize it.

Loss, this is something I've grown to know intimately, my entire life seems to be full of it, yet I know that I can't just give up on life. Things will eventually get better and life has to always go on even when we don't want it too. For a person my age I've lost so many people out of my life, death just seems to haunt me but I know that non of them would want me to give into depression so I just plainly refuse to give up on life. I guess I'm too stubborn and stupid to do so. To close myself off from caring that seems to make things easier sometimes but I know that I can't live my life without others so I just have to try and be strong and keep on moving forward, no giving up no stopping. Because of all those I've lot I want to make something of my life, something to be proud of, only time will tell if that'll happen as well. Tomorrow I have to give my grandmother's eulogy, I hope I have the strength to do it and that I do not mess it up.

I'm going to stop things here for tonight because it's late and I should sleep, there was more I wanted to put down but it can wait for a later date.

-Jamie

Here's the Eulogy I have to read.

Sumire Violet Yoshida was born in Campbell River on July 19, 1930. She moved to Wakayama, Japan with her family in the early 1940’s, shortly after the Second World War broke out. She returned to Canada in her early twenties and met and married Jimmy Yoshida. They had five children, Keiko (husband Wade), Amy, David, Akio (wife Joanne) and Teresa. Sadly, she was pre-deceased by both her husband Jimmy and son David. She also has an honourary son, Ross Cambel, who has been a special family friend for many years.

Violet loved flowers and gardening, she liked to go to bingo where she gave out candy and at times fell asleep. She was an adventurous, fun loving person. In her youth she went diving for pearls, and once she went for a ride with David on the back of his motorcycle. She also went crazy carpeting down the Rainbow Lake ski hill, and she got around Vancouver by bus on her own.

Violet had a great sense of humour and loved to laugh. In her last days, even though she was unable to laugh out loud, we knew she was laughing because her belly was dancing. She was fondly nicknamed Little Buddha at the hospital, and she always had a mischievous little gleam in her eye.

Violet was well known for butchering the English language. While taking a trip to Terrace, she noticed a sign that said watch for rock on road and she turned to the kids and said, “Isn’t that the kind of music you listen to?” One day she said to one of her daughters, “Are you going downtown today?” The daughter asked, “Why?” She then replied, “Will you pick me up some p***k shampoo?” The daughter said, “What kind of shampoo mom?” She repeated, “p***k shampoo!” She was reading the French version of Pert shampoo and thought it was pronounced as p***k. Once she was told the different definitions of p***k she giggled and giggled. She was infamous for misinterpreting messages. There was a time when a man named Kirkbright had called, and she told David that a fellow named Kick-butt had called for him. She would never remember the names of people who called, and we would ask if it was Bob or Suzy, and she would reply, “Yes, maybe” to practically every name we mentioned.

She was well liked and referred to by many people as “grandma”, and she was adopted by many people as their grandmother.

Violet was a wonderful grandmother and great-grandmother. She had 8 grand-children (Paula, Shannon, Alysha, Jamie, Wade, Nathan, Jamie and Stephanie) and 4 great grand-children (Elliott, Andrea, Regin and Martin). She loved to spend time with her grand-kids and to spoil them.

Violet was loved by her family and will be sorely missed by many people. She led a full and happy life and is now with her husband once again. For each of us here we cannot give into the grief in our hearts at our loss, because she would not want that. As long as you remember her and hold her in your heart she will always be with you, even if you cannot see her. Life goes on, even when it gets hard, family and friends help us through the tough times. Look to the people on either side of you and you will likely see a person you can lean on right now. Buildings burn, and people die, but real love is forever. Don’t let this loss ruin your life, hold onto the love you have for her and keep on moving forward, because that is what she would want us all to do. Thank you all for being here today, it shows how much Sumire was loved by those who’s lives she touched.