Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Alright, well my life's been a roller coaster ride lately. I've finally decided to do something with my life which is good and I have a set plan which is better. Mari helped me a lot there to try and be more self reliant, but still I've felt a lot of pain recently due to her as well. Lately she's let me know that she might have never really loved me and she's unsure, I think she only says she's unsure to try and not hurt me worse but still knowing that the possibility exists that she never really cared does cause a lot of heartache. She told me that she sees our relationship as being more of a friendship than anything else which also kind of stung and let me know that there were better guys that are trying to be with her now and even though she doesn't want to be with them either, knowing that better guys are pursuing her as well really hurts. Still she is being honest with me as I asked her to be and I am grateful for that, yes the truth can hurt, but it hurts a lot more to be deceived. Since it seems she just wants to be friends I'll be happy with that and be happy for her when she finds that better person to be with. Meanwhile I do not plan on finding another girlfriend, not yet at least, I do still have feelings for her even though I know she most likely does not feel the same way about me, and I don't feel ready to move on yet. Right now I'd rather focus on myself and what I might want out of life, and that's to travel and see more of the world, and I want to become a more complete and self reliant person, that will take time and I do not want to be in a relationship while I do this. So if she ever decides that she does want me back while I'm still single instead of being with another guy I'll most likely take her back, but if she finds someone else she knows I'd like her to tell me about it. Right now I am going to focus on my mind and body, I want both to become stronger and more healthy so that I can become the person I want to be. I've applied to UBC for their business management bachelor's course and if I get in I'm going to try and become an exchange student so I can travel and see more of the world, then when I am done that if I can't get a job that allows me to travel more, I will sign up for the Canadian military to become a pilot. Either way I want to see more of the world and get a job that I can afford to have a family with and actually spend time with them. The family can wait until I am older, right now I just want to find out more about myself and be a better person, life is full of pain and lose and I've had my fair share of it, but still I hope that means that good and great things are instore for me, but if they are I have to make it happen myself. Do I regret being with Mari? No I don't, she helped make me a better person and I'm going to hold onto all the good memories I've had with her, yes she hurt me badly but that's life and she has chosen a different path than me right now, if our paths are to converge again someday no one really knows what the future holds. I just know what I want out of it, and I'll grab life by the throat until I get it now. I will no longer base my plans around others or cater to the whims of others so much, I have to live my life for myself for honestly in my life I am going to be the only constant in it until the day I die, everything else is a variable, and variables should not be the basis for anything. Do I still love Mari? I'd have to say yes I do, and I will love her until the day I die she's a very special person to me, she's not the only one, but each one is special to me in their own way. I'll never forget her or what she's done for me even if I never see her again. She always has a place in my heart and that is something that will never change. Other than that I'm not sure what else has changed in my life, basically just my views on things and the fact that I've taken up writing again, I do not know what else to put in here because it's late and I have not slept much I'm very very tired so I'll end this here. Have a good one anyone who reads this and take care.
-Jamie