Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I feel melancholy; no specific reason, just s**t stacked upon s**t. Overall, life's not being too awful to me. I'm still on this huge guilt trip though with my parents. They don't know I'm gay, and they are anticipating me being a good father. I can't be a natural father. The wierd thing is, I never really want to be anyway. I don't hold a desire to bring someone into this already crazy existence we live, which sinks further into oblivion by the day.

Hope for the future? Given science, war, and pride, man will unfortunately see it's end before it realizes it even hit them. Although, I must contradict myself a little in saying that many people see the other side to counter all the negative occurences this world goes through. Discrimination, murder, rape, prejudice, war, greed, all these subversive factors are being brought down slowly but surely by people like many I have encountered right here on Gaia.

Eh on a lighter note, I decided today to begin slowly altering my diet to a vegetarian. But not one of those all out vegetable eaters. I want to still eat seafood, and dairy products. Don't know what that technically makes me, but yeah it's all Greek to me; this is uncharted territory after all.

My dad keeps assuming that I'm some sort of chick magnet. God it is so aggravating. And my family keeps giving me hell when I try to wear girl's clothing. Hell, I'm just about ready to wear something crazy and leave to go to my grandma's house, she doesn't seem to care about anything. I don't get it, I want to dress in girl clothing that mind you, isn't even girly to the max. It could pass as boy's clothes only it fits me so much better. Man, I just went right off topic from the vegan thing...and now to change topic again.

My capriciously revolving topics of writing is just how I am. I can be quite an essayist when I want to be, and quickly flow from one topic to the next, but hey it's a quarter to 5 in the morning, and I just don't give a s**t. I also have a semi-short attention span and a lack of concentration most all the time. I'm a mental drifter, and that makes things a hell of a lot more interesting for me personally.

So yeah, me and my best friend/should've been brother Chris (no he's not on Gaia) haven't talked for a couple of weeks now. I have recieved no word from him. I mean, we only argued twice when we were in Disney together, but I guess he needs a break from me (I was a little bit of a b***h to him after all) but I love him, so I'll probably call him tommorow.

To alter the topic, I am really excited that me and my friend Elaine's band project is really getting somewhere. I play pianos like a ******** wizard and scream like crazy. I love the transition cause I can sing soft and low when I want to. My friend Elaine has such an amazing range too, it's a thrill working with her. We just got a bassist on board, but I have yet to meet him myself. I don't know, I'm myspace retarded, and Elaine has all our connections on there. She handles it, I just write half of the music, and create concepts and art.

I can't believe I'm changing again, but yeah I really want to get the results of my massive camera whoring up on here, and my mom won't let me install the software cause she has an awful paranoia that it's bound to crash as soon as I upload my pics. She has to "clear hers out first" and according to her she's "almost done". My mom is like a cavewoman with computers, but she's ******** addicted to uploading old pics and family pics and she's aggravatingly obssessive. It's very bizarre, and all the while my dad says she should just give up computers, cause she's always stressed over stuff pretaining to it.

Well to end off, I've basically wrote a mini novella. And I don't give a damn cause this is what I wanted to say, so there XP It's now three minutes to 5 in the morning, and I am feeling rather dead...time to recharge my batteries. I didn't want to wake up late tomorrow but there goes that...-__- I just can't seem to ever go to sleep at a decent time; I'm quite a nightcrawler. My mom hates that I'm up all night, and she has the audacity and ignorance to blame all my late nights on this site which she calls "the forums". She has no idea what that means and when I told her I'd tell her, she told me she didn't care to know. Her loss I guess...she confuses the s**t out of me. She'll tell me s**t like I'm not prejudice and then she'll stereotype places and how safe they are based on how predominantly black they are. Or she'll tell me she has no problem with homosexuals, and she'd accept were I gay, and you know why I have yet to tell her I am? Cause my family never talks about gays, and my mom makes all sorts of faces to show indirect discomfort over the issue. I ponder why so many of us are bound to society's "by-laws". We're just supposed to generally know exactly how things are without anyone saying anything. Me sucking c**k and me dressing in drag and me trying to avoid eating farm animals is strange, but only cause "society" deems it so. No one officially or legally stated any of the above were taboo, and yet they "just are" to people like my immediate family and much of Staten Island, New York, this suburban unknown burough. I mean, ********, the people we have representing us on Staten Island are ******** for the war in Iraq! I mean, what the ********?! How do they get there when so many people I know and love are very much opposed to any prospect of warfare. Give me a ******** break. Anyway, this was certainly no short story, and if you're still with me at this point; bless you and I love you so much. If you got bored of the monotony, I completely understand (and hey, I warned you right?). Good night (morning?) everyone <3