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Hello friends (or unmet acquaintances), I'm so glad it is summer. College is such a paperweight on my back. When I return there, I just have this feeling like nothing's going to work out. It's not that an extreme pessimist (much less an extreme anything) but I failed a class last term and scored Ds in three of them and I just don't know if this is the right path for me, though everyone continues to insist it is. I want to go out there, and yet I can't seem to get anywhere. I get this awful feeling that by the time I turn around, I will have missed everything. It's a really awful feeling.
Yesterday I woke up on my bedroom floor after having the scariest nightmare ever. I just started crying cause I was so overwhelmed. My dreams just keep on getting wierder and that strangeness is now turning into things that are just scaring the s**t out of me. I've been having all these really strange reveries and mostly they have tragic outcomes right before I wake up. This one was truly the scariest of them all thus far. Me and my immediate family were at some wierd outdoor flea market ish thing that into a convention building. And then, people start flocking into the convention building and screaming. Them these huge black planes and zeppelins come out of ******** nowhere and bombing the ******** out of stuff. So me and my family all start running and I just go into my mother's arms and just start crying hysterically. My father stays behind to protect us and we watch him get killed in an explosion. My sisters were not as freaked as I was for some reason or another. And places are just being bombed. Then there's a huge white flash I assume wiped out everyone cause then I woke up on my floor. and i just cried really hard and tried to go back to sleep even though it was like 1:30pm and I then decided against sleep as it would spur on these sombre visions of death and chaos that are just too ******** real for my liking. And I forgot to mention that they were definitely terrorists aircrafts because there in the dream I subtly remember Osama bin Laden's face.
That's one thing I'll never understand. I mean everyone's entitled to their religious views but don't these people see what they are doing to millions of innocent people worldwide? Don't they see they do it with naught to gain in the aftermath of these "blazes of supposed glory" they make when they blow themselves up?. And they die for a God that man created which is more than likely flawed anyway just like everything else man has made. I'm very cynical mankind will end on a high note. To think though, if all these terrorist were just raised with different ethics and beliefs, the course of everything would change to be more tranquil and harmonic, and no one would live in fear. I can't stand living this way. Al-Quaida is itching to destroy us literally with these nuclear arms or whatever, and every day for the next decade in the back of everyone's mind lingers that thought "What if they strike right this very moment and everyone in all of America dies in an explosion that would possibly bring on the demise of the entire planet? And what is the president doing? Today in several hours, George "Dubya" Bush Jr. is getting a tri yearly colonoscopy and leaving his duties and power in the hands of the one man I can't stand more than him: d**k "I can't shoot straight and I mistake people for quails" Cheney. Ugh...
Anyway, I have friends coming over tomorrow and I'm nervous cause I haven't had anyone come over for so long, I can't remember the last time someone came here, since I avoid all my friends and fear my cellphone due to social anxiety. I'm probably worrying for nothing, but trepidation is just something I've never all that great at shaking off. Good night (Morning?) Gaian Allies. Peace to all, Harmony to those who believe in it. heart
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