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Yeah. I'm freaking out about more things than I should be. As always, I'm worrying over nothing. Getting myself hyped up and then nothing that I expect will come to fruition. I'll try to make sense, but at this point, there are no guarantees. Cause if I do, that means that I AM thinking rationally about things, but if I don't . . . that means that I don't. *eyes roll* IT'S BEGINNING ALREADY!!! gonk

It's not that I'm rethinking this whole England thing. Because I'm not. I've wanted to go to Europe ever since I found out that Angela was going for spring break that one year. I guess I'm just kind of questioning my whole motives in this relationship. Two months? xD GOD I hate being right. It was three with Josh, and even THEN I couldn't stop from dragging the thing out for another year and a couple months. Christ on a Cracker, I haven't even MET Jamie yet!! Maybe that's what I'm freaking out about. I mean, I blame my parents. Mom was going off on the whole "romaticism" of dating someone from another culture. And yeah, it is romantic to have a British boyfriend, as big a pain as he is sometimes. <3 But we were raised in two different societies, with two different governments and two different religions and possibly two different "classes" (statuses? not sure I'm using the proper word here, but ah, hell, I'll fix it later). I mean, yeah, differences are what attract you to each other, but they can also tear you apart. *heaves a sigh* I'm not trying to sound like I'm dooming this relationship from the beginning, I just want to get my thoughts down in some semblance of order. I guess I'm mostly just freaking out because (like the noble Knight that I am *giggles*) I just don't want to see him get hurt. EVER. And the thought that I could someday hurt him puts the fear of GOD into me. I mean, all I ever end up doing is hurting the people I love. Katey and I have had MORE than our fair share of drama, and guess who caused it all? Katey's the sensible one. I'm the "ZOMG I hate you! But I love you now!" bipolarcrazyPMSbitchy lunatic in our relationship. And I always have been. SHE can attest to that.

And Liz. I mean, I said things that I had NO IDEA were going to hurt her so much, and we've only RECENTLY started talking to each other again. It's been almost four years. And we're not really friends. It's just more like we're civil to each other. Cause I'm STILL not sure if she's forgiven me or not. And it's not the forgiveness I seek, cause I know that I don't deserve it in some cases. I don't even know WHAT it is that I want. And I mad Josh all bitter and everything by dragging out our relationship and trying to get HIM to end it, because I didn't have the balls to do it myself.

But, I mean, this thing with Jamie is different. Cause I haven't really been thinking, "If we break up," after every sentence about the future. I did that CONSTANTLY in both of my previous relationships. I'm so confusing myself now. I mean, I TOTALLY didn't believe in "true love" or whatever until Jamie came along. I'm falling for him, HARD. And I guess I'm just wondering if I'm falling for this idealized person that I see him as. And if he's doing the same with me. Cause we're both INFP's (Myers-Brigs RULZ!) and our personality type tends to do that a LOT. And I just don't want him to get his hopes up and have them dashed on the rocks. Cause I guarantee you, when we first meet, whether it be during OMG or later or whatever, I am going to be the dumbest, stupidest, most giggling girl on the face of the planet. It doesn't matter how many online hours we spend together, I'm just not going to be "comfortable" (again wrong word, I'm lazy, I'll fix it eventually) around him for a while, because that's how I ACT around guys that I like. Sheesh, no WONDER I couldn't land a boyfriend. I'm an IDIOT.

But, I mean, I started dating Josh because he kinda guilted me into it. And I was desperate. And then I dragged everything out because I couldn't bear the thought of hurting him, and because I was scared of being alone. However, I was the one that instigated this whole thing with Jamie. I was getting to the point where I was happy being single, although lonely too, because EVERYONE else around me was pairing off. So it wasn't like I was 100% desperate for male attention. Cause I blew most of it off big time, because although I can notice other people who are going to pair off eventually, I'm kind of a brick when it comes to noticing others who are into me.

I WANT this to last forever though. I mean, I NEED him in my life. He's going to be SO good for me, he's going to help me grow in ways that nobody else can. Katey already approves, which makes me happy, cause she's helped me grow too. Even if it meant going to not good places to achieve that. And I HAVE grown, and I WANT to grow. I mean, I freaking want to IRON HIS SHIRTS. *eyetwitch* That feeling has CERTAINLY never come out before. And I just can't picture my life without him. So I have to go ahead and do this England thing, because if I don't, I might never get the chance.

And THEN there's the whole, I might be using him just to get to England thing. Oh, and for sex. mrgreen But that's a whole nother ballpark. I really don't think that I am using him. I mean, he's a willing victim or whatever, but I guess that maybe I'm just starting to feel like we ARE rushing into things. I do this all the time, and I KNOW why I'm freaking out. It's because I have a fear of commitment and of changing things. That's why I decided to go to OU, because I know how things work, and I wouldn't be completely on my own. Which, in all honesty, I might be scared to be. Because I'm not especially good with money, though I AM learning. I think I might be afraid to go as well, because what if I'm just using him as a crutch, and never reach my full potential? THAT scares me shitless.

(oh, totally random side note; MY BOOBS ARE SHRINKING! gonk crying I'm thoroughly depressed now)

LoL so I guess, there's my freak out time for y'all. I'll add more as time goes by, but I'm still trying to work through all these issues AND go to school, AND spend as much time online with Jamie as I possibly can. So if I tell you I'm busy, just say, "Dude, Jamie CAN breathe without you." To which my response will be, "No wai! " xD redface