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I've officially succeeded in confusing myself. Well, I know what I want from life, but I've never been patient with much of anything, especially once I make plans about something. I know I'm jumping the gun about everything and I keep telling myself that I have to wait for school to actually BEGIN, but I seriously hate the way colleges work. They suck every last damn cent out of you and then they figure ways so that your schedule won't work and you have to stay for an extra year to finish up all the damn classes that you missed. I'm so sick of that. And now OU seems more complicated than Hocking ever was, even on a bad day. I just want something freaking SIMPLE for once!! Granted, nothing in life is ever fun unless it's complicated but colleges kind of take that to an EXTREME. xP (rant within a rant: I can't get a parking pass for the next two days, I dun know where I'm going to be able to park, my cell phone has no service, I can't figure out how to drop a class and I need to clean my old apartment before I can get my deposit back, I have no money transfered into my account that can pay for college, I can't get my email account to work and I'm NOT looking forward to class tomorrow. Yeah, WORSE than Hocking).

Right now, I'm seriously thinking about running off after two quarters. I NEED to get away from this area. I feel so smothered by being in a college town. Yeah, I know that I told Cheryl that I'd move in with her, but she can find another roomate by June, right? I mean, she can find another one, it's not that hard, and I'd help her out! I don't know, maybe I'm just being selfish, but it seems almost like a waste to go to school for another year and a half. Especially when I'm probably not going to get a degree or anything.

Honestly, one of the only reasons (aside from parents) I think I decided to go to OU after Hocking is because I was scared of the "real world". I didn't want to take the initiative to grow up. Cause I'm comfortable being in college. LoL I'm comfortable being miserable. Also, my parents are helping me with rent and food. I couldn't survive in Athens without their help. But if I'm moving to Rockford and I get my college money to do whatever with (I'm gonna have to fight with myself to SAVE it!! No buying a plane ticket to England. . . . crying ) that means that MAYBE I can spend a few months working on my novels. LoL Until I'm driven stark raving mad and need to DO something with my time.

Like I said, I'm confusing myself. All I want to do is take this idea and run with it. I'm SURE that Rockford has more opportunities than Athens; considering that there's like TRIPLE the amount of people there compared to here. xP And it's an 8 hour drive from my parents. THAT thought makes me insanely happy. =D They're already suffocating me enough.

AND I talked to Breandan on New Year's Eve and he suggested that I work at a camp if I had so much fun with it. Honestly, I don't know about that. I could really only see myself devoting time and energies to a camp if I were going to be single for the rest of my life. (and if I have any say in the matter that's NOT going to happen! <3 ) I wouldn't mind having a relatively permanent position (like a full-year-round staff person) but I gotta start looking that up and seeing if it's entirely possible. That would honestly be a great job, but I have so many concerns about it I can't possibly put them all on paper! >_<

Y'know, I don't think that I'll ever really LEARN how to grow up unless I get OUT there in the world and force it upon myself. Because as much as I try to hide it, I'm still very childish. I can't even do the DISHES for crying out loud! Or even force myself to do things that I don't want to do. Maybe if I make myself grow up really fast in the next two quarters, MomnDad will back off.

Though, they've already pegged Foxie and Jamie and everyone that Ihang out with online as "bad influences". Talk about passing judgement early! crying Of course, all my friends are bad influences. Lindsay is an atheist and evil and bad for me (despite her like 40.0 GPA or whatever) Katey is a pagan, getting married and "irresponsible" (they dun like that she's getting hitched so young. They think that she's throwing away her life. Like they even KNOW her). Just because my friends aren't hand picked by them, they're automatically bad influences. Okay, so then, WHY THE ******** am I not on drugs? Pregnant? Covered in tattoos? Stealing candy from babies? Putting kittens in the blender? How the HELL can my friends be bad influences if they've never, EVER talked me into doing something that I don't want to do?

Guh, I really need to talk myself out of worrying about disappointing them. Katey and Liz keep telling me that this is MY life, not theirs. They shouldn't have a say in what I do. Though, I really need to sit down with them and have a discussion with them about what they want vs. what I want and why what they want for me is irrelevant. Though generally those conversations end in screaming (me and Dad) and tears (me). And then I just give in so that they shut the hell up about it. This is why I'm so much better at loving my parents from a distance; they have less control. I've been fighting for it all my life. And losing. I've gotten to this point, and I REFUSE to be shackled by their expectations. LoL the more they tighten their grip, the more I ooze through their fingers. But I'm honestly going to give OU a chance before I truly come to a decision, because it COULD turn out that I LOVE it there and WANT to finish a degree. *eyes roll* You just never really know with me.