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Usually on Christmas Eve night, children can't sleep because containing their excitement for the next morning is too hard. But last night I sat awake till five, biting my lips and making an unbelievably incredible and perfect plan. If I do it, it'll be huge. I probably shouldn't talk about it so much considering its damn near illegal and providing how much lying, patronizing and danger is involved. But I seriously cannot believe how perfect and obvious this is. This could make (let's be an optimist and not even say 'break', even though it could) me, and I'm going along just for the ride. It'll be ******** awesome. Sadly, it could completely backfire. I could end up way worse than injured, but I look at this as an entirely positive thing (just saying that should make me crazy enough to accomplish this). I can't be stupid about it. I can't do it when my parentals won't be home for a few hours or I'd be emo . I'll plan more and make sure that this doesn't result badly. Don't worry; if this works, I'll be just fine.

I saw Kio yesterday, while hanging out with Hannah. It's weird because I haven’t seen him for a long time. Within the first second I see him, I always feel this particularly painful twinge of confusion, excitement and guilt. In this sudden sensation of replacing ordinary moments with things that would very much scar normal people for life, comfort and questions are easily found (but never answered (Jesus, I'd hope not XD )). I'm fearless of falling, and that's the best way to describe how seeing him feels. Like your heart pounding then dropping- excitement descends into disappointment. Considering it's me, disappointment can quickly change to something else.

The ultimate reason I sorta hate coming to Shasta is because I'm so bipolar when I'm here. I have pillzies, a happyblade and a week full of mixed emotions and headaches. That pretty much sums up all my trips. Despite all that, I'm not happy about having to go back to school and facing reality (hence my poem 'Reality sucks; let's dream forever). I like this surreal place, even though it's inflicted so much craziness in me. Screw organically ********, it was all Shasta's doing ~_^

Yesterday Hannah and I hung out, had fun, and took some retarded pics. See? Days like that are welcomed and perfectly acceptable.

Christmas was pretty good, though needless to say I can't go one day here without getting bitched at by family (and holidays are no exception to this).

Omegawd XD I have like all of BFF printed out to edit (ugh) and I was looking through my documents on this compy, and I found some of it. Jakey ^ ^ The part I'm looking at right now was written over the summer, last time I was here in Shasta. Not only is it always a trippy pleasure to read old writing, but old writing from Shasta makes it so much better. Here's a random part of Edgar's, cause i like it ^ ^

Edgar
Fiona looks at me shortly, before shaking her head and walking back up the stairs, her disappointment evident. Is she disappointed at me for eavesdropping? Or something I did in my past?

Back in my room, I find Elliot, sitting cross-legged and reading EDGAR 2003.

He looks up and smiles. “You hung up on me.”

The simplest of words.

“This is so sweet.” He says, referring to the first page.

“I didn’t write that.” I want to say, but I did, so I can’t.

And random passage of Jake, who everyone loves

Jake
My hair looks completely normal. I run my both hands through my hair, seeing if more hair comes out. None does.

I take a deep breath and sit down. I know why this happened; I just can’t believe it did.
What scares me the most is that the doctors were right.


Songs

Cinnamon Spider by Jack Off Jill:

A witch will burn
when she's thrown into the fire
Not her she'll peel and writhe
but never expire
She crawls on webs of lies
I die up inside her
to take what's mine
that b***h the cinnamon spider

I won't try
and every time I tell that lie
I live without guilt
and I won't cry
and I hope you love your life
and live with your guilt

Consumed by hate and guilt
She'll never retire
too old to fix
too dead to ever acquire
slit wrists - talk s**t
But she will never inspire
a plan to save herself
the cinnamon spider

I won't try
and every time I tell that lie
I live without guilt
and I won't cry
and I hope you love your life
and live with your guilt

bite heads off those who fail
and try to imply her
forlorn despised
I am the cinnamon spider

I won't try
and every time I tell that lie
I live without guilt
and I won't cry
and I hope you love your life
and live with your guilt

and I am fine
and I'll learn to take what's mine
and live without guilt



A Million Ways by Ok Go:

Sit back, matter of fact, teasing, toying, turning, chatting,
charming, hissing, playing the crowd.

Play that song again, another couple Klonopin, a nod, a glance,
a half-hreated bow.

Oh such grace, oh such beauty, and lipstick and callous and
fishnets and malice.

Oh Darling, you're a million ways to be cruel.

I should, I wish I could, maybe if you were, I would, a list of
standard-issue regrets.

One last 80 proof, slouching in the corner booth.

Baby, it's as good as it gets.

Oh such grace, oh such beauty. So precious, suspicious, and
charming, and vicious.

Oh darling, you're a million ways to be cruel.