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Journals are for to write in. When you are feeling up, when you are feeling down, when you are kicking yourself in the head for being foolish, and when you are celebrating some deep personal triumph.
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And sometimes, they're around just so you can vent. Great big gobs of personal fluid venting. 3nodding (as in spit, FYI xd )
And...okay, that last thought came out rather disgusting. But I'll leave it in here because that's the trend for today, and we wouldn't want to spoil the fun, hmmm? stare
No, no, today is not a day to make any sense whatsoever. But, I suppose that's okay. I get this way sometimes - emotional, the world hates me, people have problems, etc. It's the kind of day where just sitting in a corner makes everything better. 3nodding
The kind of day where you want to avoid everyone and everything so they won't turn around and spit in your eye for being annoying later. The kind of day where you want to, but can't keep your mouth shut - and so avoid irritating what friends you have managed to accumulate. If you've got more than one. Who isn't Wilbur the giant bunny. stare
So, to whit....what makes a friend a friend? Well, to be honest, I really don't know. In my personal opinion, a friend is someone I want to feel better when they are upset. I want to be happy for them when they are successful. I want to be jealous of them when they accomplish something on their own. I want to be the first person they call when something is up, and the last person they say goodbye to when they leave. biggrin
Sufficed to say, I don't feel like a good friend anymore. At this critical juncture in my life, when I've turned 21, am getting ready to send a 'no deposit, no return' to the good ol' college, and try to wet my toes in the 'real' world - a friend is oftentimes the person you will love enough to spend the rest of your life with.
That's not to say that there aren't other people aplenty for me to be friends with. But....I don't feel very 'correct', anymore, I guess you could say. Family and friends have always been enough to fill the void in my life - I haven't bothered to look up the 'other sex' because I haven't needed to. And, truth be told, from the eyes of a high-schooler, that kind of love looks more like fool's gold than treasure.
And my friends....well, they have each other, now don't they? It's not a....hmmm....well 'normal' relationship, based on everything I've been raised to believe in.....but the feelings are all there. At least the ones I'd expect to be around - and I'm definitely not a good judge of that!
But after a while, you get to the point where you feel like you shouldn't hang around as much any more. The need for someone - whether you like it or not - is there, and trying to fill the void with everything that used to work....doesn't work any more. And I think I've hit that point.
We are human beings. It is not intended that we go through life in isolation and solitude. Some people have managed it, but they've chosen discontent, or God to fill every need they have. And I don't honestly think either choice is good for me.
So...what to do? I don't know. This kind of situation is far beyond my comprehension. In reality I'm 100% at fault for everything, because I don't want to depend on any person - a guy in particular - to care enough about me. I don't want to put myself out, and have them drop me for being a sappy reject - a kid with emotional issues and a 'clinging' complex. sweatdrop Which is probably why a lot of the relationships I have - we're talking about friend/friend, etc. here - don't go anywhere. I want to give and give and give, but refuse to take anything from them. I don't want my friends to fill any needs I have, because being good to them fills my need. Isn't it strange that I feel guilty for having needs? It's almost like apologizing for being human....
Eh. All I know is that one thing is for certain:
Life is a learning experience. xp
I'm done now.
 Kira Dwenna · Wed Feb 09, 2005 @ 10:53pm · 1 Comments |
