|
Cutting
I haven't done it in so long but now I'm practically itching with the urge to do it again. Today I went through and read all of my journal entries from the very beginning. Now I can actually see this rough little trail of doubt, sadness, betrayal, agony, love, naiveness, and pathetic worthlessness that made what I now am. I can't believe that I thought I would just be perfectly okay. It's funny because the some of the moments when I seemed fine and the happiest were actually when I was in the hospital hooked up to a bunch of machines. Another funny thing I've noticed is that even when I was in the hospital my mom was pretending like nothing had happened. The only time she showed any emotions at all was when we were in my therapist's office twice. Other than that she doesn't seem to give a damn. I also know where I get my ability to lie so easily from; Last week she and Lance were on the verge of breaking up and she didn't even say a damn thing to us. I can't take this house anymore. I wish there was somewhere else I could live right now, but I know I'm probably stuck here for a long time. I turn 18 soon and I know I'll still be stuck here. I've been talking to one of my teacher's about ways that I can get out of here. The only way we found so far was to get a student loan and live in a dorm but I don't want to wait that long. I want out right now. It's funny because your family is supposed to know you better than anyone else and yet here I am lying 24/7 and they don't even know it. I always seem happy and fine at home but really the only time I'm happy is at school and I'm never even close to being fine. So what can I do?
|
Community Member
If she lies so often, it's probably a lie when she seems like she doesn't care... She's probably breaking on the inside, but she has no idea how to react.... You see, I've been trying to picture what I want other people to do... or understand their side... I always thought I did do that, but now I'm trying harder... Maybe you could give it a try... When you ask someone a question, think of the worst answer that you could hear, then think of what they would say, or what you would say in their shoes...
Houses are like that... it's all a lie, I think, that homes are suppose to be happy places.
I have a lot to say, but I need to go to work, perhaps I'll comment again later, or I'll pm you. Bye for now.