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A detailed journal of my investigation.

Latest update: general info: Bottom paragraph, info on Red Bino/Zurg Energy.
Biggest conspiracy: general info: second-third paragraph.
Interview with the Zurg.
I re-read this a few times, and the interview would seem to suggest the same things that other info suggested. If anything, all it seemed to suggest was that they had something to hide....

Begin log:
02:
h...haar ro, s...s...sin..die.

Notes: Perhaps sin die? The sin must die?
Did we commit some "sin", and for that we must die? Perhaps it's some mindless babble, or it could be some sin that they're here to rectify. Not us, but the sin itself.


05:
Shut up, 02! Speak only when the situation requires it! Ahem... Hello, Gaians! I am gratified to be among such fat, pleasant morsels.

Notes: Harbors some anger towards 02 as well. He also shows his first signs as being gluttonous.


06:
Greetings, foul-smelling primates! I hope our superiority does not offend your savage sensibilities.

Notes: Superiority complex. Thread only if egged on or if there's a sudden change in behaviour. Currently seems to be acting in words alone, no hostility shown yet.


07:
Don't be rude, 06. We need to let the Gaians know that we mean them no harm. They have expressed some concerns about our intentions, and calling them "primates" won't allay their fears!

Notes: He appears to be truely trying to keep peace among the gaians and the zurg. Definately the kindest, and least likely to be a thread as of now.


11:
Sometimes telling the truth is the only charitable thing to do, 07. And the truth is that Gaians are foul primates, right? It would be unfair to them, in the long run, if we shielded them from the fact that they are inferior, stinking apes.

Notes:Seems like 11 is trying to be nice, but comes off as obnoxiously truthful. He seems to be unable to lie. At least, according to his standards, they're not lies.


12:
Hi Gaians! Seriously, don't listen to 06 and 11, they're just kidding around! We're nice guys! Really!

Notes: Seems like he actually wants to be nice. he definately comes off as nice...


Mothership:
Our preliminary research of Gaia consisted largely of material relating to Ron Bruise. Zurg is very distant from Gaia; somehow, only transmissions relating to Ron Bruise reached our world. It is as if the only intergalactic transmissions coming from Gaia were tales of Ron Bruise's exploits. When we saw that Mr. Bruise had saved the world many times and loved many women, we assumed that Ron Bruise was of great importance to your culture. He also has such a large head... clearly, his evolution is advanced.

Notes: DEFINATELY the big brains of whatever they're doing down here. Seems like 1-12 are here to keep peace, should things go sour. They're a motley bunch, but mothership seems to keep things in order.

Ron Bruise talked

06:
Silence, mammal! We've come to realize that you have little to offer us! Your giant head is just as empty as any other Gaian ape's skull. Perhaps more so!

Notes: Hostility towards the empty-headed-ness of Ron Bruise.


Mothership calms things down.

Cindy:
How did you manage to see so many Ron Bruise movies?

Ron:
Hey! Over here! I'll take this one! I'm so glad you asked! You see, Cindy, I erected a gigantic satellite broadcasting station in my back yard to beam my movies into space.

Cindy:
Why in the world did you do that, Mr. Bruise?

Ron:
It's just not fair... the population of Gaia is so small! It broke my heart that so few people in this universe had the opportunity to enjoy my films! I wanted to show them to everybody!

Cindy:
Visitors from Zurg, do you have any particular favorite Ron Bruise films?

Mothership:
I am quite fond of his film "Jet Guys," in which he is a member of an elite squadron of pilots. I can easily relate, since I myself command a force of flying vehicles. I was deeply moved.

02:
i ru..ruve brane man... brainman so specail... he try so hard... him brother so angrie to him..

05:
I very much enjoyed "Intercourse with a Vampire." I can relate to the concept of drinking the blood of Gaians. Mmm, now I'm hungry...

06:
Ha! I am a fan of his recent effort, "Battle of the Planets," a distorted fantasy in which a pathetic ape manages to thwart an invasion force of superior beings. How heartily I laugh at the foolishness of such a prospect! Ha! Ha! Ha!
07:
The espionage action of "Operation: Unlikely" reminded me of my own tendency toward romance and intrigue

11:
My favorite is "Barstool!" "Coughlin's Law: Never invade a planet full of apes unless you like picking hair and gristle from between your teeth." Ha!

12:
enjoyed the lighthearted romantic comedy of "Barry McMyers." It shows the compassionate side of Gaians.

Cindy:
..Anyway, many Gaians have noticed that the Zurg seem to have a fascination with the number 19. How did this come about?

mothership:
19? We... uhhh.... what are you talking about? I have not heard of this "19."

06:
There is no 19! We skip straight from 18 to 20 in our superior numbering system. Right guys?

11:
Yeah, we have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

Notes on these comments: Apparently they have something to hide about the number 19. I gotta keep an eye out for any more 19s... Maybe how many times they talked? Or Perhaps some more url links...

Mothership:
They're nice, aren't they? They're so strong, and they occur all over the place in nature. We just like them, okay?

07:
Yes, is it really so strange to appreciate triangles? They're convenient, and they come in all shapes and sizes!

02:
turai..angule got too many points... mother tell me no play with t...turai..aangule...

Cindy:
So, the Zurg have a new energy drink on the market. Do you believe that you will be able to effectively compete with Gambino's "Red Bino" drink, which is currently the most powerful economic force on Gaia?

Mothership:
We just wanted to share our amazing beverage technology with the people of Gaia! Red Bino is tasty indeed, but our drink has much greater nutritional value. Drinking Zurg energy drink makes you smarter, faster, and more attractive. It makes your skin a much healthier hue! We believe that all Gaians should try our delicious beverage.

Ron:
Not me! I don't believe in energy drinks! I don't need to be smarter or more attractive, since I'm already in the extreme upper percentiles of intelligence and attractiveness! I don't believe we need any fancy energy drinks to make us "better." The answer to self-improvement lies not in these drinks, but in rigorous self-reflection and extremely expensive G-Meter treatments! And my movies!

Cindy:
Don't you think energy drinks have the potential to help some people? I had a cousin who was extremely slothful, and Red Bino gave him the wherewithal to get off his behind and complete his college education. Now he designs aerodynamic whiskbrooms for one of Gaia's most powerful broom syndicates!

Ron:
You're being glib, Cindy. I know the history of energy drinks. I know everything about them. You don't know the first thing about energy drinks, okay? Don't be glib!

Mothership:
We must respect the concerns of Ron Bruise. Those who do not wish to drink our delicious fluids will not be forced to do so. It is entirely voluntary, and Ron Bruise has every right to refrain from the delectable effects of our miracle-drink.

Cindy:
So, visitors, you have come a long way. What's your impression of Gaia so far?

Mothership:
Gaia is filled with wonderful people! It has a lot of potential for growth, and I believe that with proper leadership it could become a truly wonderful utopia.

02
what impurecsion is?? gaia got water meat. lots lots

05:
Gaia is like a delicious intergalactic buffet!

06:
My impression? Okay, I'll do my "impression": "Hoo hoo hoo, look at me, I'm a stupid ape! Put me in a cage!"

11:
Heh heh... yeah... tell those milk-suckling mammals who's boss.

07:
Please ignore my rowdy brothers. Anyway, I believe that there are certain groups on Gaia that have the potential to affect major change for the better! For example, there's the GIB...

12:
The geometry of Gaia is beautiful! So many triangles... wonderful, wonderful triangles.

notes on these comments: They obviously see us as a food source, and as a lesser species. They may have changed their minds in some amount since this interview, but To what extent the change of mind and heart could have been is unknown.

Cindy:
Please tell the curious Gaians in the audience a little bit about Zurg, your home planet. We'd all like to know what it's like! How is it different from Gaia?

Mothership:
It is a beautiful place! Our sewer system is so advanced that you don't even have to go to the bathroom... the bathroom goes to you!

02:
at home, we gureen. everyone gureen. like me.

05:
Our technology is far beyond yours! Instead of primitive motorized vehicles, we have perfected a system whereby trained animals pull our conveyances along our roads!

06:
Yes! Your primitive society has not yet achieved our greatest feat, the "EASY-TO-BAKE OVEN." Our ovens cook with warm light, and we can create delicious cupcakes in mere hours, using only pre-packaged mixes!

11:
We have shaving razors with twelve blades! Your pathetic culture will never catch up to the smooth, baby-soft skin of the Zurg!

Notes on these statements:
They DO have quite a deal of advanced technology... but animals pulling their vehicles? Sounds a bit.... primitive....

Cindy:
Mother, I understand that one of your sons, known as Number 9, has allegedly carried on an affair with a Gaian, and has since disappeared. Do have any idea where he is?

Mother:
We are very worried about Number 9. We became concerned that he might have acted inappropriately with a Gaian, but he disappeared before he could be debriefed. If anybody has any information about his whereabouts, we would be eternally grateful if you would share your knowledge with us. We will gladly provide a lifetime supply of Zurg energy drink to anyone who can give us information leading to his safe return!

06:
There is no Number 9 and there never was. End of story.

02:
no brother 9? really? me stoopid. me thought there was brother 9. stoopid...
.... really? ...
....
....
wierd...

11:
No! Number 9 is dead to us!

Mothership:
Now, now! Be nice to your brother!

Notes on these statements:
They obviously don't approve of 09's actions.

Cindy:
Many Gaians are immensely concerned about the recent disappearances of several Gaian administrators. Are the Zurg involved in their abductions?

Mothership:
Yes. We required special one-on-one meetings with some Gaian leaders, and only by bringing them to our ships could we ensure the privacy required for our sensitive discussions. Have no fear, your administrators are safe!

05:
That reminds me, I should go check on the broth...

Mothership:
Quit fooling around, 05! This is important!

Cindy:
*Gulp*... So, finally, the big question that's been on all of our minds: Why are you here? What are your intentions?

mothership:
Whoopsie, looks like the transmission is breaking up... hello? Hello? C n you h---e--r - me? *BZZT*

Notes on this:
It would appear that they have something to hide. However, we cannot jump to any conclusions about why the connection ended....





Erik the Spammer
Community Member
  • 11/19/06 to 11/12/06 (14)

  • User Comments: [1] [add]
    GravelordEmily
    Community Member
    avatar
    commentCommented on: Wed Nov 22, 2006 @ 02:41am
    Huh? Wha??? question
    stare


    User Comments: [1] [add]
     
     
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