|
October 5, 2006
Today was really weird. Last night Eric called me, and when I answered the phone he was drunk and crying and I wasn't sure what to do. He was really upset and I tried to talk to him but didn't know what I should say, and at that point he got mad and hung up on me. I called him back and he wouldn't answer, so I IMed him, because I was really worried at that point. And he was pretty pissed too when I IMed him. I thought well this is it, he isn't going to talk to me anymore, and after only having talked for about two weeks after he found me. Yeah I have a way of somehow pissing everyone off it seems. I guess I can't really blame him. He was mad because I didn't talk enough, like I'd answer him with one word or something. I'm not the best at talking. Heck, this sort of thing is why I don't RP anymore. I can't write worth a crap. This is why I do bad in school, this is why I can't talk to people, why I can't meet people or have a conversation with anyone for the most part. And not only that but here he'd looked me up and was so happy to find me, just to find out that I have a boyfriend. And in fact have had this boyfriend pretty much ever since two years after he broke up with me. And he just told me everything that he felt, I mean, I could tell that he liked me again but he pretty much confirmed it last night. And said how he never found the right girl and how all these people just want to stay single and party and crap and not get married while he wants to get married, have a famliy, all that stuff. And I felt so bad for him, but what can I do? I'm already in love with someone. And I do very much want to get married, but I don't want kids, I just want someone where it can be the two of us. So I don't think I'd be right for him anyway. But I just feel so bad, it made me feel awful. And I feel like I let him down or something. Not just in the sense that I can't be his girlfriend but in that I'm not that great at talking and things like that either. And he is the one that dumped me in the first place after all. But that was a really long time ago. But aside from that he said that Kaz doesn't treat me good enough. Which is what half the people I know say. And the other half say it's me who doesn't treat him right. I don't even know anymore. I don't even care anymore if he doesn't treat me right because I know I'm not perfect at all. I don't deserve it, and I told Eric that, that I'm not always a good girlfriend either so I can't really expect for someone to treat me as if I were. But he did say some things that made sense, like how Kaz needs to stop letting his parents keep him from coming to see me when he's an adult. I decided I'd talk to Kaz about that today. I did and it pissed him off like usual. It's nearly impossible to talk to him about these things, and he just refuses to do anything that might start a conflict with his parents, so he'll continue to have to do what they say even though he's old enough that if he wants to come see me he should be able to. And really, I should be able to go see him, which is what he wants. But my mom thinks it isn't safe for me to go by myself, and she can't go while she's at work, and I don't know if she'd even go otherwise, because it isn't somewhere she wants to go. I can't go while I'm taking classes either, but I could always pick a time to not take any classes, and then make that time up in the summer, since I'd have to go while Kaz is in college. At least my parents aren't quite as weird, but it still pisses me off, and the dumb thing is, once I get a job and get out of here, all the places they won't let me go and stuff, I'll go anyway, if it's still something I'm wanting to do. I don't know what they think they'll accomplish by simply postponing something. In fact if it weren't for the fact that I've never been on a plane before and don't know what to expect, and the fact that it scares me somewhat, I'd just go anyways. That's pretty much the only thing holding me back. Money also, but that I might be able to obtain eventually. But anyways, I stayed up much too late for my early class, but I had to make sure Eric was sober and normal and not pissed at me before I got off. I couldn't just leave him like that. At least I managed to stay awake, although very tired and weird throughout the day. We had an assignment in class in the first class to type and print out, so at least having something to sit there and do kept me awake. Otherwise I think I would have just drifted off. Music, another movie with the lights out. I half watched it. I put my head down during the more uninteresting parts. So at least after that I felt a little better. I was out of it pretty much the whole day. I saw Aystyn, and he told me how he'd been falling asleep in math, or using his calculator to draw things. I can totally understand. Math is so boring, I'm usually sleeping, thinking, or doing something else that has nothing to do with math. On Wednesday that usually consists of thinking, "This woman is such an ugly b***h". Yeah. I'm glad today I at least didn't have to deal with that crap. I don't think I could have taken it. But anyway, Aystyn walked with me to my next class and that class was pretty easy today. The only problem is I'm behind in that class. I was going to catch up last night, in fact, I'd just opened the book and was about to work on one of the things I owed when Eric called, and I was also going to read the assignment I was supposed to read, and obviously neither of those things happened. So I'm going to try to do it this weekend and hope they're accepted late. I still haven't started on it today, but I just feel so out of it, work is the last thing I want to do when I've been doing it all day at school already. Anyway, in that class it was about taking notes, and we did a practice thing where she read this thing and we had to take notes, I asked to use my computer, like I always do, since that's what's easiest for me, since I write terribly slow. I'm bad at taking notes though, I didn't get quite as much down as I would have liked. Even though I can type fast, I'm never prepared for trying to shift through what's important at the same time that someone is continuously reading. It just hurts my brain. It's pretty much impossible if I use paper, and half decent if I type. Well the chapter I haven't read is on note taking, so hopefully there's something helpful in there. I met Rachel after class, and we went to the anime club, which was in the building I'd just left so I had to go right back to where I was, and for whatever reason we didn't have a room, everyone was standing in the hall, until someone came by and questioned us and then gave us a room to use. The anime we watched was pretty funny. Rachel wants to go with me tomorrow to buy some since we're supposed to bring some to choose from for next time, and I don't have any, I never buy any. Kaz or Rico would just send me things on the computer to watch. And I lost all those anyway because of the dumb computer breaking. Anyway we went back to the other building, and I don't know what the heck they were doing in there, but they'd moved all the nice chairs out of the front room and lined them along the hall wall and had these other chairs in there like for an audience and were setting things up, so we went and sat in the chairs in the hall and I had to plug my computer into a an outlet across the hall, and Rachel was joking about people tripping over it because it was just across the hall where people walked. Luckily no one did, I was watching to make sure people knew it was there, but I joked about it too. Eric was on and I talked to him a little until Rachel left and I went home, I wanted to get home as soon as I could because I was just so tired and out of it. I got back and he was still on but had to leave soon, and wanted to know what he said and if it made me uncomfortable or anything last night, and said I could message him on Myspace, so I told him I wouldn since I wasn't sure how long it was. He went to work, Kaz went to class, and I took a much needed nap. After that when Kaz came back he played a game again which annoys me a lot since I'd wanted to talk to him but I talked to him after that about the whole meeting thing. When he started getting mad I gave up on the subject for now. He missed his class talking to me too, which annoys me, because I was planning on talking to him before his class but he played that game, and I thought he'd leave for class but he stayed and talked to me, I don't know why he did that. I don't need him failing and blaming me again. He went to the next class though, and now he's back and playing a game again. x_x Hopefully he'll come back soon. I'm still really tired and feeling weird about everything. I feel like my life just got ten times more complicated, and it was already confusing before.
|
