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well today has probably been one of the most depressing days of my life, first I have dreams that put me down, one about never being back together with Roni and the other one with us being back together. Honestly right now I think the first one is closer to the truth and that hurts me inside. When I'm with her it's really easy to forget that we're not together anymore since she always wants to act like a couple and I enjoy doing it as well or else I'd stop it, then something happens and reality comes crashing in on me and it just drives me back down into being depressed, today was the worst day I've ever had for that. We got into an argument and she got mad at me again, then we went to the movie and everything seemed okay and I felt really happy, but then I misheard something and it depressed me again and then she got mad at me again and we split up for the day, she's now at Jaxon's house and I'm alone at the house I'm staying at. The sadness felt so bad for a while I just wanted to drown it in alcohol, or obscure it with a drugged up mind, but I don't want to run away from my problems anymore so all I can do is sit here and suffer.
Now I'm not sure I could really take her back, she's made her choice and it wasn't me and that really hurts me inside, I know she has her reasons for the choice but that doesn't change what her choice is. I think it might be best if I just remain her friend and probably just talk online for now, no more phone calls and no more visits, because those two things hurt me really bad. I just can't take her telling me how much she loves me right now, or how much she misses me, it's like having my heart ripped out each day we're together here, and each time I fall into it again because that momentary happiness seemed worth it, but in the end she spends the day in another man's arms, and in another man's bed. That's basically what it boils down to, I don't care that she's with a person who was once my friend anymore, but she has to let me go, I'm a part of her past now, and I don't think we can have a future together anymore, I think I'm going to email this to her tonight so she can read it, and maybe when Leslie gets back here I'll phone her. Well I talked to her, and let her know that she was also my high point of my day, she always makes me happy, it's just nard not being with her since she's with Jaxon. Well yeah that's all I really have to say for now, have a good one.
-Jamie