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Well I've just been doing some more thinking and decided to write down my thoughts. It seems like no matter what I've done or gone through many people have done through the same thing or something very similar, it is odd how full of pain this world is and yet we never give up. Things between Roni and Jaxon seem to be really bad for her, like a hell of her own making, but then she doesn't want to leave it so can it really be as bad as she makes it seem? Afterall she is still with him, even though he neglects her, and pushes her and hurts her both physically and emotionally, and from what I understand the intimacy is lacking, so why does she stay? Is it really out of guilt, out of the fact that she doesn't want to hurt him? She didn't seem to have those problems with me, and she says that she loves me and always has, why didn't anyone ever worry about hurting me? I do believe that she still loves me and I still love her, but why didn't anyone worry about me before? And why didn't she seem to care about me until after he cheated on her and hurt her like that, before that she seemed perfectly happy with him, and that she had the new life that she always wanted to have, but then reality came in and he cheated on her and then she 'realized' how much she loved me and wanted me back. Things just seem real confusing is all, and I don't think I can be friends with him again, not after all that has happened and how much he has hurt her, I know that she says she isn't hurt and she'll still be friends with him when they break up, but from everything she tells me about him and how he treats her I don't see why she wants to do that. I guess I just can't see things from her point of view on this. I'm not sure where I was planning on going with this, I just felt like I had to get some thoughts out of my system to see if it made anymore sense to me, it didn't really help but oh well.
-Jamie

One of the hardest things in this world, is to watch someone you love, love someone else. Those words are very very true, I know that Roni says that she doesn't love Jaxon and I believe her, but still I have to see her do stuff with him that you should only do with someone you love and that really hurts me inside, because I still love her, but can't be with her. Still I am happy that she's found some form of happiness, even if she says she's still lonely, I know that she's at least kind of happy with him, no matter how he treats her.

Is it fair that she wants me to be friends with him, and yet if I end up with another girl no matter who she is she's going to hate her? Not really no, is it fair that she doesn't want me to be with anyone else? No, but then again life isn't fair and we can't always get what we want. Will I end up with someone else? Only time will tell on that one really, can I still be friends with Jaxon? Honestly I'm not sure on that one, I know that I need to have a talk with him, but he isn't ready to see me yet, and probably won't be for a long time, and I would prefer that the talk be in person, then I will see how I feel about being his friend.

Life seems very depressing at times, like when I picture her with another guy, doing things with another guy, but still it goes on and eventually it will get better. I don't know if I will ever be with her again, only time will tell on that one, if I'm going to be with her or another women, I know that no matter what happens no matter how much she worries no one will ever replace her in my heart, she'll always have a special place for me, even after all that has happened.

I know that I've changed a lot and from what I can tell she doesn't really like the new me as much, I tend to ramble a lot more, I find it keeps me from falling into the darker emotions that plague me, and I tend to get all poetic and stuff like that and she hates it, that kind of makes me wonder if things will work out between us if we give it another try after her and Jaxon break up, or if things will just fall apart again, or if I will have to change once more. If I have to change, will it be for the better? I am happy with who I am right now, and I am honestly happy for her, and I am happy being single, at least finally she has made her choice, and now my life can go on. Yes it hurts that she did choose him over me, but pain heals, and she has her reasons, that doesn't dull the pain much because in the end the choice remains the same, but maybe oneday I can be happy again too with somebody. I'm not sure who that somebody is, but I don't want to just give into my loneliness and take on someone just to hold them, and kiss them, yes I miss those things very much, but I want someone I can care about and cares about me, and maybe oneday love each other. It may be days, and it may be years before that happens, I'm not going to stress over it anymore, well I have to go meet up with some family, so I'm going to end this rambling session here, take care and have a good one.
-Jamie

Alrighty, well I'm in Vancouver now and I've gotten my closure with Roni and things seem really good. I have no idea where my future is going, but honestly I don't care, I just want to enjoy life and do what makes me happy. Right now that's being single and just doing whatever I feel like doing. Oneday I might end up with Roni again and I nkow I'll be happy then as well, if I end up with someone else then I guess that's what happens. I'll always love her, and she'll always be special to me, but I don't really want to make too many plans anymore, I just want to live and be happy. I might end up moving to Vancouver, or I might stay in Rupert for a while, only time will really tell. If I develope feelings for someone else then I guess that will happen, I doubt anything will come of it, but like I said no one can predict the future or what will happen. It's best to live in the present and that's what I'm going to do from now on, have a good one my battery is dying so I guess I'll update some more later.