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man why do I always do this to myself, if it isn't her then it's me messing with my head. For some reason I had a weird feeling, and Roni had updated her Myspace about her birthday, and she was talking about how she was sad that I wasn't talking to her anymore. That kinda messed with my head because well I really miss her a lot, and I still love her. I need to stop doing stuff like this to myself, I don't ever want to be with her again, or at least that's what I tell myself, but my heart still longs to be with her and be happy.

I still have to try harder to forget her, I'm going to be getting rid of anything and everything that reminds me of her, so I can try and move on with my life like she's doing, I mean it obviously didn't hurt her that badly what happened between us, and she's still with Jaxon actions do speak louder than words, but then why do I cling to the past so badly? why do I still want to be with her? I wish I could just turn my heart off sometimes.

I just have to move on and forget about my past, I just want to be happy again, but this loneliness sometimes it feels like it's eating me up inside and nothing's going to save me. It's like my heart and soul has been torn out and ripped to shreds leaving a broken shell of man in it's place. I just want my brain and heart to stop fighting, I want her to not care about me anymore or at least say she doesn't because her actions show that she doesn't, but her words they still affect me even when I know they're lies.

Why does the heart have to be such a fickle and weak thing, and yet it has so much control over a person, their emotions and their actions I think life would be a lot easier if a person just didn't care about others, it would make survival a lot easier and silly concepts like love which is almost always false anyways wouldn't hurt anyone. Still yeah I think that's all I'm going to write for now, I guess I still have a lot of soul searching to do before my head is on straight again, who knows maybe a new relationship is what I need, or maybe to just give into my more animal instincts will make me happy.
-Jamie emo