First off, I'd like to say that the reason I'm going to be so open here is because I actually care about this place and it actually means something to me and so do you guys.
So here's the thing. I been doing a lot of self reflecting lately and it hasn't been pretty. I've realized that I do tend to have more problems than I realized and have for a while now. I've been lashing out, a lot on ppl here when I don't exactly mean to. So what's happened is I've been allowing myself to have knee-jerk reactions to posts that should have been obviously shitposts. I'm someone who has a ******** ton of past trauma so I do tend to get triggered here and there.
It's not an excuse tho and I need to do better by simply ignoring things that trigger me. Those of you who have said I take this place too seriously, are right to an extent. Lately I've also been in a very poor mental state as I've been going through some very deep and personal things with myself. Like I said, it's a lot of self reflecting where I've been going over my past and such as well.
Now I don't want to seem like I'm tryn to throw some self pity party nor am I going to get into all the details but I'm someone who has a lot of guilt and it's been absolutely eating me up lately. I'm doing what I can to get through it all, I'm in therapy and I have wonderful ppl who support me. When I realize that I can do better, I give it my all but at the same time, due to all my issues it can be very hard.
I've said in the past that mental health isn't an excuse for poor behavior and I still stand by that. That being said, I'm not going to beat myself up, at least anymore than I already have but, I understand myself. Understanding one's self is one of the first steps towards self improvement. It's also important to not beat yourself up because that's extremely unhealthy and counterproductive. In understanding myself I know that my actions have not been due to any malice, but rather over trauma responses.
Most of us have trauma and for me, it's a lot, runs deep and effects me in my day to day. What's needed of me is to be more mindful of how I engage with others. Instead of having one of those knee-jerk reactions, I need to take a step back, and think before I act. I understand that 'it's just Gaia' and I shouldn't be getting offended and triggered by every other shitpost. However, I will not be excusing poor actions of others either. I'ma be honest and say that it is hard for me to tell when some people are just shitposting or not so I do often block.
Like I've said before, when I block users for shitposting, it's usually not that deep and I'm still 100% for curating one's own online experience. If I don't want to see something or be around something I feel is toxic or annoying, then I shouldn't have to. There is a difference though between simply blocking and actually lashing out. I want to work on that and not react anymore to such things as I have been.
I've also been wondering if a good amount of those who have blocked me, have done so because of this. It does make me feel bad but I'm not going to keep delving on it and will just do what I can to keep improving myself. Another personal bit is the fact that I don't process things the same way others do. I'm heavily on the spectrum and only recently, did I fully realize that that's a huge part of my problem. Again, not an excuse but it helps me understand myself more and even others to a degree.
Perhaps I'm just making too much of things again and maybe this all isn't that deep? Idk but to me, in this moment it is and has effected me heavily over the years. I've done a ton of inner work but there's always room for more improvement. It's just life and is something we should never stop doing. So long as we learn for the better and do better, that's what counts most in the end.
Lastly, I want to say that I heavily appreciate all of you who have stuck with me through out my time here. Those of you who are part of my communities and have stuck by me even though I've had several mental crashes among other things. Seriously, it means, more than you know. Also to those of you who give me the benefit of the doubt and don't just instantly block me without trying to give me a chance and understanding, it means a lot too. Even if we've bumped heads before. It shows that you're a very good and understanding person that actually cares.
I try to be that way myself even though I've ******** up a lot in my past. Anyways, thanks for reading my nonsense prob too deep and unnecessary rant.
