hell yeah let's vent
relationships scare me
i was with the father of my kids for 6/7 years and he was emotionally abusive
i felt i couldn't amount to anything because he had criticized me for so many things, then would agree with me on many more. for awhile i thought my judgment wasn't the greatest, but i knew he was undermining me and belittling me.
i let it happen because we had history, mutual friends, things in common, we "understood" each other but were terrible for each other. looking back i should've gotten out while i was ahead
but we had 2 kids together, and i didn't think i could do anything on my own
our relationship had been dead for awhile, and i thought moving to georgia would be a refreshing moment in our lives. change of pace, scenery, cost of living was less and i was making a decent amount.
it wasn't enough
our relationship failed horribly. i felt i had been doing everything i could and he was battling me every step of the way
he never trusted me, never felt like i amounted to him and it was so painfully obvious
i just wanted to survive..
i wanted to live in my 2 bed 2 bath apartment.
work at the job i had always wanted
my son had just started kinder
we had so much going for us and he didn't see it that way
to this day he still blames me for everything
after him i ended up with another guy who had been very kind
involved, showed his efforts, showed care
these were things i had never been familiar with ever
i wasn't told how pretty i was, i wasn't encouraged to do the things i love
i wasn't used to what a healthy relationship consisted of
but he was giving me everything and being so open to me
i felt like i was truly on top of the world with him, i felt good about this one
until i found out he had another girlfriend, of 6 years, the entire time
he took her everywhere he took me
when he wasn't with me he was with her
when he wasn't with her he was with me
our coworkers knew about everything
and i was in the dark the entire time thinking i was in a healthy and loving relationship
to this day i haven't heard from him about anything
that relationship ending so abruptly and horribly led to me developing an eating disorder. i was physically sick for a week and couldn't sleep because it had stressed me out so much. i'm still affected by this. i don't always eat when i should, some days i suppress my hunger for so long because i just get so distracted or stressed out
i'm in a new relationship now, it's going pretty well i feel.
i'm terrified he's going to get tired of me
he's going to wake up one day and i'm not going to be a priority, not a first nor second thought. that i'm a placeholder until someone better comes along.
i'm very in love with him as well, and that scares me too. he holds me like i've never been held. he listens to my never ended rants and rambles about everything and anything. Prior to us going out we had been great friends, went to concerts and festivals together, we just never really showed affection/interest toward one another. but we hit it off really well together, it just happened and we've been rolling with it. i don't want this to ever end really, and thinking of that bothers me a lot, i'd rather think of our future together because i feel it's going to be amazing
but
i also know the opposite direction it can take
i've never gone to be diagnosed with ptsd, but i feel like i do have aspects of it from prior relationships.
sometimes i really wish i have never experienced those relationships, the feeling of betrayal, complete let down by someone i cared for and looked to. and i am still bothered by it to..this..day...
and them? indifferent. one of them still harasses me, because we have kids together i must deal with his bullshit for another 11 years. he is a bully. he is manipulative. narcissistic. an all around unpleasant person to accept into your life, and i did that.
the other one, again, who knows if he ever thought about me again.
i don't understand why people have to be so ******** awful and ruin it for others
because now i feel i can't ever be fully comfortable in a relationship no matter how much love or compassion i receive. it's overwhelming at times to not feel enough. but my bf now has never made me feel that way, it's my own self-sabotage.
thanks for listening gaiary, this was a lot to even think about
scumscraper Community Member 
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