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I don't want to tell exactly what I've done... but it's really bad to me. Most of you reading this would probably be ok with it, but I feel like I'm slipping down the wrong path... but it's such a thrill, it's addicting (Not drugs)... I want it to be ok... but I know it's not, deep down... I try to surpress that feeling, but it keeps bubbling up. It's something I know I can't help... and it's bad too... I wish I could enjoy it and think of it as a gift. But no... I have to worry about it... it's a crucial point in my life, and I don't want to fix my problem. But if I don't I know it'll have bad consequences... People are pushing it along, one influence after another. I'm getting used to it, and I know that's going to lead to bad things on a very bad path... My mind is saying "No stop!" But my body can't do it. It makes me very tense to know this that seems so perfect is so wrong... and I can't handle it. Part of my brain is telling me to ignore it and live life the way I want to... but no, that can't be good. I'm very conflicted and I don't know which path I'll be on in the end. I know this can't lead to good things in my future. *Sigh* I just wish it weren't bad, because it feels so good...

Most of my influence has come from Gaia. Now that I'm hooked, I can't stop. It's such a great place, filled with great people... I just want this life so bad, but I know I shouldn't have it... I know accepting it is weak, but pleasurable. But it's too overwhealming to stop. I'm just... not... that... strong...