BLAH
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I have decided that someone up above, or maybe Puck, thinks that my life isn't complicated enough as it is, and so has rained down a thousand fire-ie bad things if DOOM upon me. I have so much CRAP to deal with! All of the normal angsty teen s**t, problems with my ******** school totally messing my scedule up (and school hasn't even started back up again!), "identity issues", parental unit problems, people I thought I was really close with getting seriously sick - in the hospital for nearly two weeks! - and then NOT TELLING ME ABOUT IT! (I found out from random acquaintances, who were like, "So, it's really horrible what happened to Laurel, hmm?" And I'm like "WTF?" And they gasp and say, "Didn't you know...?" wink
I miss my brothers, God damn it, and my Laurel-Mum. Sometimes it's like they died or something, and I didn't even get the bittersweet relief of a funeral. Like they just...left me alone. And I have the horrible feeling that the next time I go to see them, it won't be like last time. That I won't know them anymore.
And do you know what sucks? Trying to deal with personal s**t when you can't even tell anybody. Can't run up to someone and just vent, or spill out your fears, and tell someone that maybe...just maybe...but you can't say it. It's like a rock in your throat, a hand pulling you down, a fear turning your insides numb with anxiety. You think no, that it's not true, but every so often it will jump up and grab you then - WHAM - you're back to were you started, afraid and alone and too scared to tell anyone what's wrong.
The trip didn't help. I mean, some of it was lovely - I really did enjoy myself a lot! - but it brought something that I hadn't ever quite realized horribly home. I don't get along with most people. I can't STAND dealing with people who show no respect for those who think differently then society might want them to. (That didn't sound hypocritical...) I fell very intensely that people should be able to be different and not be shunned for it. That you should be able to be who you want to be. Be strong, be brave, even if it means that you are proud to be female. Have your own mind, and not be a simpering idiot. To want to not do drugs, to want to not get drunk, to want to learn, to try and not be immature, and to be interested in the future. To want to think about things other than the hormonal. To be respected for you brains, not your body.
I found that I am extremely unusual in all that.
Do you know how sick that makes me feel? Everything is sex, drugs, money, sex, cutting stupidity, SEX, drugs, death, hate, sex and more sex. It's disgusting. Is it too much to ask that people think about something other than those few things? That people look beyond the simple "Hey - she's hott"? That people under the age of fifty-six not run away or gag when you mention something that's not a drug, some form of sex, or even a mind-numbing sport? It doesn't even matter if it is a sport - if it's complicated in a way that's not fimiliar, it is automatically 'stupid'.
Is it too much to ask that I wasn't so unusual in my thinking? Or that in the very least, I didn't mind being different so much sometimes?
What makes it the worst is that I know that if I told half of what I think to some of my friends, they wouldn't be able to accept me for it.
God, that makes me so horribly sad.
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