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...man
...thinking again, family stuff & personal life.

me:: it would be nice to have somebody there again. it's weird, thinking of certain people, and feeling as if those memories were just yesterday.
i guess that means i have no life razz . i duno, i don't really want to work, but i feel guilty i'm at home not really doing anything but as mom tells me [like at time clean & such], but sad that i'm always stuck at home.
when i'm at home i think a lot... of what i want to be, of what i could be, and what i am not.
i always imagine my friends like growing and moving on in life, while i'm stuck at home just...not really doing anything.

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senior year is here! to think i've grown so much, and have met many wonderful, loving people smile . i don't like drama, never really got into any but, it's just that, it's all around people i know & love...

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i want to have a giant birthday party w/ everybody i've known since middle school [haha, like that's possible] for my 17th b-day, but at least i want the people i got to know over the past year there. people are all split up into their own groups, and i feel all left out and alone at times

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i know, i still love my friends & family but like, it feels like somethings missing. i feel like i've grown, but i want to grow into that awesome person i picture 26 years from now... but yet, i want to hold on to those old memories...

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i remember being a brat when i was small. still a lil spoiled, but i have a bigger understanding of my surroundings now. i just need to practice controlling my emotions and thoughts but, i like being random and showing all of my moods, good & bad. still trying to find who i am still, i guess.
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mmmm.. everything <i>seems</i> to be lightening up w/ the family & such. dad came back w/ a job & such, and we have people that will rent rooms in our house [my prayers to everybody i know w/ the physical hardships of jobs and rejection & such that's going on..].
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ugh, iono, it's like a sign to enjoy senior year. i need a [s**t, a ********].. date for senior ball =/ ... dunno, maybe i'll meet some more awesome people next year biggrin

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ugh, i haven't had a long blog like this in hellza long..
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i need to exercise & improve my singing / health. i have back problems now, cuz of using the compuer a lot and not stretching / not much physical activities lately...

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meh... i want somebody again razz stupid blah. iono, i still believe 1/2 horoscopes, but i still go to church like a good boy xP.
i hate watching anime / romantic comedies cuz of the stupid [i say that out of defense] couples i see all the time w/ their happy endings. where's <b>my</b> <i>happy ending</i>...

i wish it was 50 to a 100 to a 1000 years ago when life was simpler..
...stupid blah, always thinking of love n' s**t. i tried to avoid it for a few months, but it hasn't been working well...
...i wish i had something to keep my distracted, but i don't. all i have are friend memories and other things that make me happy/sad..................................................
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stupid thoughts... life isn't simple [i'm typing while staring at the ceiling]...blah. i want it to like, get better sad ...

i'm also worrie about show choir / next year... if i get into japanese III [if i have it as a period] & if i do well in show choir w/ that new teacher =/ ...DV legacy man...
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sad ugh.... i crave more water. i ate too much junkfood @ those parties & such...
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sorry xanga, i blog on myspace now, lol. i still love you xanga! u work even though there's a power-outtage & u are still up & running w/ out me logging in much! <3 u xanga xD
-00000000000000000000
*sigh*...sadness. i feel sad in the summer. that's weird, i'm usually happy & energetic. maybe i'll be happy & energetic in the winter.. we'll see.. sutpid 'winter blues'.

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i think i want to stop eating rice, it's not that healthy, but i love it sad . mmmm... i wana go on protein-ish diet.. but still eat cereal & bread

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'go out' w/ someone... stupid emotions / hormones. i lets say.. crave / have the need for someone to be by my side... and i'm not growing, stupid hormones

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ugh, i need to get out of the house more but i can't :'(

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anything else? i haven't written a "poem" in ages. they're usually sad Dx lol.

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life is always, this or that.
it can never be in the middle.
that makes me feel awkward,
because i feel that i am in this nonexisting middle.
i can't go to either side, unless one reaches me first.
this pressure, sadness and despair...
relieve it somebody, please.
walking alone is not good enough,
i need someone to hold me up,
and for me to hold up as well.
i want to have both, to be held and to hold.
will that day come?
i hope and pray it does, with all of my remaining might...
come to me, in the middle of my undeciciveness
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just listinin' to ma muziq on random mode. time to brush teeth n' such. my horoscope says this is the day when i enter my future ... i'm afraid & scared if it's true. i'll pray to God tonight. . . because all of our [family & some friends] lives need to change...

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