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dear....i'm sorry i didn't get back on and tell you....but i couldn't..i'm un happy with my actions last night..i was cleaning out my desk and lal under it and in boxes when i found jue.....she was packed away in a tiny little cloth thing...i don't remember exactly why that was...anyway, i found her and crawled out from under my desk.....i stared at her....at the tiny dried up blood on her.....it was like....i staried at unwanted past..and i was..-shivers in fear- i sat down in front of my bed and began to cry.....oh you have no idea how close i came to doing it....again.....but i didn't..and i'm glad i didn't..you have no idea how i felt sitting there looking at that damn'd bloody knife...it felt like nothing eles was happening around me, i felt that same pain i felt everytime i used it...but i manged to get out of it and put her back....John told me to get rid of her, but i don't know what to do with her...now shes on my desk beside me now....it feels like she is watching me...calling me....i'm glad Johns on to help me forget this...he has to be whats helping me escape this darkness.....he has no idea how badly i want to thank him.....nore will he ever...

yesterday i told John about jue btw...finaly...thats off my chest..