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I keep thinking and thinking but I keep coming to conclusions I hate.

What if the ones you came to love were only like your security blanket? There for warmth, comfort, and not letting go. What if you were feeling devoid of all emotion, and the emotions you did have felt fake?

That's how I feel right now. I feel like every smile i smile is a lie, I feel that everytime I say "I love you" to someone its a lie. And in my heart it gets all tangled to the point I don't know what I'm feeling. I feel like I don't care anymore, about anyone or anything.

But the thing that hurts most is the feeling that I may not love Andrew - that he may just be like my security blanket: there when I needed him and held me when I needed to be held.

Renae once told me that if I truelly love Andrew I would trust him completely: not be scared of the thoughts that occur in my mind or my nightmares. The mightmares that Andrew will do as my cousin Josh did and nightmares that Andrew will find someone else.

And its not like I would mind if he found someone else, God knows he deserves far better than I can offer. I already feel as if I'm just a burden or just in the way of everyone, especially Andrew.

Anyway, I'm just going to shut up now becuase there's enough life on this site, I don't need to add to it. Later.