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I wish you were here
Each time I cry
I need you by my side
When lost in the darkness of sins
I desire to be with you
When caught in the cruel game of life
I want you be by my side
Through every twist and turn
There's nothing that I can do
We're still apart
Time will come
Time will go
Will the wishing continue?
Will need fade away?
Will the desire be forgotten?
Will the wanting disappear?
If all others things fade away
My friends
My family
My parents
I wish
I need
I desire
I want
For you to be there by my side
Holding me tightly
Protecting me

~

Well the arguement is over at last. Though for some reason I've noticed something. A few things actually. One being that ever since we admitted to loving each other my grades went WAY down. Should love relaly distract a mind that much? Or is it something else?

Second: all of his friends seem to hate him now. I feel like it's my fault. I mean...if we'd never meet, never fallen in love...he'd have all his friends still. I've come between him and some of his best friends. I came between him and a long relationship he had. It was because of me it ended. I shouldn't blame myself but I do. I know without a doubt, not to blame myself. Everything bad happened around that time though. I can't blame him. I was already cruel enoguh and forgiven for that. I didn't deserve it. I don't deserve him.

Lately summer school is failing. I just can't work! My mind is distracted. I can't focus, I don't want to focus. I just want to curl up into a ball sometimes during class and cry. I don't know why. During SPA is feel better but I guess I don't have stress or anything. It's insane. I thought I knew myself, since no one else seems to. That idea is fading. I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know what to do, I'm completely lost.

I think I've mentioned it before but of course my...well techinacly we're not dating but it seems like we're called 'boyfriend and girlfriend'. So my boyfriend doesn't live near here. He lives a a good distance away from me. I mean a good one. Talk about many many states and boarder(sp). Long-distant calls are expensive and we can't afford and over msn I get annoyed easily, especially at him it seems.

As if my anger at him is because he's not here with me or something. It just doesn't make sense. I'd like to know what's wrong or rather what's wrong with me. I feel lost, confused, alone yet not alone, and I just don't understand myself anymore. My theories seem to have been forgotten already and I've stopped caring about so much. Even myself. I admit I was rather vain about my appearance in some sense. Now I absolutly do not care.

Maybe it'll go away, I hope it does. I hope he can come down this summer too. I sor tof don't too. Then there will be that attachment of wanting him by my side even more. Maybe I'll hold tight onto him now...onto what I know and what I don't. He loves me I know that, I love him more then I love anyone else in my life, in my whole life. I don't want to lose our friendship, relationship, whatever you want to call it. But my personality...I have to be dominating. I need to have the power and be in charge. I don't know if it will work then. It's beyond my understanding.

I wonder...how old am I? Mentally I mean. Most of the time I think I'm at least twenty...who really know?

Listening to: "Never Alone" Barlow Girl
Feels: Nothing.
Phrase: "Love is precious, do not hold to tightly or it will crush, hold to losely and it will flee. YOu have to find the perfect spot, meet in the middle. Both of you."

~Shadow of Fire

PS: Don't mind spelling and grammer errors. I don't care about them.