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Scene 8
[King Arthur music]
[clop clop clop]
ARTHUR: Halt!
[horn]
Hallo!
[pause]
Hallo!
FRENCH GUARD: Allo! Who is eet?
ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Who's
castle is this?
FRENCH GUARD: This is the castle of my master Guy de Loimbard.
ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred
quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in
our quest for the Holy Grail.
FRENCH GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh,
he's already got one, you see?
ARTHUR: What?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
FRENCH GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)
ARTHUR: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?
FRENCH GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
FRENCH GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
silly king-a?!
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
FRENCH GUARD: Mind your own business!
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
FRENCH GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your
bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur
King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt!
Thppt!
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man--
FRENCH GUARD: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food
trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster
and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FRENCH GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
[sniff]
ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
FRENCH GUARD: (Fetchez la vache.)
OTHER FRENCH GUARD: Quoi?
FRENCH GUARD: (Fetchez la vache!)
[mooo]
ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
[twong]
[mooooooo]
Jesus Christ!
KNIGHTS: Christ!
[thud]
Ah! Ohh!
ARTHUR: Right! Charge!
KNIGHTS: Charge!
[mayhem]
FRENCH GUARD: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.
[mayhem]
FRENCH GUARD: And this one's for your dad!
ARTHUR: Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away!
FRENCH GUARD: Thppppt!
FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting]
LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ARTHUR: No, no. No, no.
BEDEVERE: Sir! I have a plan, sir.

[later]

[wind]
[saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]
[clunk]
[bang]
[rewr!]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak]
[rrrr rrrr rrrr]
[drilllll]
[sawwwww]
[clunk]
[crash]
[clang]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]
[creak]
FRENCH GUARDS: [whispering] C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau.
What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh.
On y va. Bon magne. Over here...
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]
[clllank]
ARTHUR: What happens now?
BEDEVERE: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall,
and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not
only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
BEDEVERE: U-- u-- uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit,
uh, and uh...
ARTHUR: Ohh.
BEDEVERE: Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden badger--
[clank]
[twong]
ARTHUR: Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
Run away!
[CRASH]
FRENCH GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...