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June 5, 2006
Everytime things seem to be going okay, something happens, and I'm sick of it. I'm just at a loss. Today was going okay, and then Kaz said something about trying to find girls and I told Jon he was supposed to wait until I finished up my week and proved that I could be a good girlfriend and Jon said no. Even though Jon said if I kissed someone it would be cheating on Kaz. So then of course Jon and Ivy got all mad at me and left and all that crap. Jenna tried to talk to Kaz for me, but couldn't get much out of him, so I broke down and talked to him. I figured it didn't matter anyway, because Jon was trying to make me start over again after I got mad about what Kaz said, and Kaz was saying he didn't have to get back with me and crap, so I just talked to him. Of course he made it hard to talk to him, barely answering me and like usual not listening to what I say. I go through all this stuff and he doesn't even care. I could have made it through the week if he kept up the stupid agreement. It pisses me off though that Jon has to get involved and crap and keep saying I have to start over and stuff, I could have done it myself which is what I was originally going to do. And now I feel like everything is messed up. And I'm still avoiding Aystyn because I don't know what to do. All I know is I want Kaz very very badly. I love him so much. I don't think I ever want to fall in love again, because the pain I go through is too much and I can't handle it. I don't understand why I feel this way about him. I guess he makes me feel happy and good when we're together and everything is going right. I just want to feel that way with him forever. I just don't know if I should continue to try to give him space, or what. I feel like I need to talk to him about things, but he makes it so hard. And I feel like it might keep making him mad. But nothing seems to work. Whether I talk to him or not he acts this way. I wish I could just not worry. We always have gotten back together. I just need to think about that. We always seem to make it through. x.x I just feel like it get harder and harder each time. Then we get back, I'm relieved, I'm not careful, and something happens again. I learned a long time ago not to take him for granted, and I don't. But I still have mess ups and things still happen and I feel like it's beyond my control. And I feel like people around us are making it harder too. No one cares what I'm going through, they just don't want to see us fight. And why should they care? It isn't their problem. But I wish they would just ignore it or something instead. I hate how I'm the one that all this happens to. I just want to be happy, and be with the person I love.
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