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May 30, 2006
Today was awful. Kaz got online early, I had just woken up because again I couldn't sleep. And he said that that bunny died. I couldn't get much else out of him, he'll only talk to me on Gaia. x.x And then he just got off after that. He was gone the whole day and I don't know where he was, but I found out I think he went to those stupid classes. Gabe IMed me and he sent me some thing for a free trial to download World Of Warcraft and play it for a few days. He sent it to Rico too so the three of us will play it, hopefully tomorrow. I'm so worried about him now. I think the bunny dieing really upset him, and the whole thing with the stupid college and his parents too. Aystyn IMed me today and I was talking to him, he asked how I was and stuff. And honestly I was feeling awful, so I told him a little bit why, and he invited me to go to to Natura, the place we went two weeks ago. A little later my mom went with me to the college to make an appointment about what classes I should take and she talked to one of my teachers who I had a class with before and I'm taking another class she's teaching since she suggested it. I saw Aystyn when we were leaving so I stopped to say hi and introduced him to my mom since she had wanted to meet him. Then we went to buy a cushion for my chair in my room since the chair is hard and a pillow to go on my bed against the wall since my room is rearranged now. I got home, Kaz still wasn't online, so by now I was really worried. Jenna made a chat but I had to get ready to go, I went in anyway and just left my screen name in there so I could read it when I got back. I had a feeling I'd need to read it when I got back, and I was right. So I went and met Aystyn there and it was fun, I had a good time. On my way there though that stupid awful Scott texted me asking if I was still bothering Kaz. I told him no, asked him why, he said he was just wondering. I asked him where he was and he said he was eating dinner or something. That didn't tell me where he'd been all day though. When I called my mom she said he'd gotten online though so at least I was less worried. I had at good time with Aystyn at least. I can't help but worry about Kaz though. I hate it. We had some food and sat on the couch and stuff. I let him kiss me this time. I wouldn't let him before. But since Kaz is mad and won't talk to me, I don't know if it matters. And yet I feel guilty and wrong about it. Like I shouldn't do it because I still love Kaz and I still want him back. I don't even know why. I'm just really confused right now. I don't know what to do about anything. So when I got home a little while ago I read the chat. Everyone had left by then, but when Kaz had been on he'd come in and started going off about the summer classes and his parents doing stuff and trying to take his computer away, and now I am scared. I'm scared he'll never get online, and he won't let me talk to him on the phone. I'm scared also because he said he wanted to die, or to run away, or something crazy like that. I hate when he talks like that. I don't know how serious he's being. It scares me though, I don't want anything to happen to him. I wish he'd just come here. I don't think he even realized I wasn't there when he was in the chat because he complained that I wasn't even saying anything. He probably thought I didn't care and was just ignoring the whole thing and now I feel even worse. And yet he does that to me. On purpose. When he's at the computer, he doesn't talk to me and doesn't answer. He probably thinks I was doing it back to him. x.x Which isn't the case at all, I'd definately have said something if I'd been there. I only wish he hadn't gotten off before I came home.
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