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.... well it's official.

my closest, dearest friend of the past 2 and a half years (and god, it feels like so much longer.. you have no idea.) ...

has quite literally dumped me for world of warcraft.

i'm not being a drama queen here, he nearly word for word said that he would rather pursue endgame WoW than to try to repair his friendship with me.

this is maybe two weeks before I would have finally gotten my own account , and he confesses now, after months of me considering this, that he wouldn't have played with me anyway. that even that isn't worth giving up endgame game. at all.

[21:54] Red Wizard: The other problem is that my goals for the game require constant effort. Non-effort only erodes my previous effort, unfortunately.
[21:55] vi2section: and naturally these goals are far more important than i am, i've learned that by now.
[21:55] Red Wizard: The sad part is, that doesn't even hurt.

... talk about a slap in the face. i mean.. really. for months i've been dealing with him getting distant and ignoring me, basically being the opposite of the friend i knew, by just hoping that maybe he didn't realize what he was doing to me because he was absorbed in warcraft. that's not the case. he knows what he's doing and he just doesn't care.

[22:23] Red Wizard: That among my many underlying faults is an inherent problem with addictions to varying things? Did you ever wonder if maybe you were just filling in that hole until I found something that fit it better? A horrible thing to do, and not at all fun to consider, but entirely possible.
[22:25] Red Wizard: If you want my honest thoughts on the matter, I don't know what caused it, why it happened, any of that. And, I don't really care why or how. Those bits of information won't revert things to "how they used to be", they won't make any pain they caused go away, they won't make anything better.

... so now he doesn't even understand what made him become friends with me in the first place. he thinks it was just another addiction, to be put on the level with anarchy online and world of warcraft.

and i'm sitting here wondering what the ******** i did to deserve this. because he hasn't said anything. he claimed, of course, that he was being completely honest, but that's bullshit, considering that apparently he's been telling ess he'd rather have gametime than deal with someone as "whiny, obsessive, and agonizing" as i.

and you know, i'd been feeling bad about being hurt so much by this, but only because i thought i was misinterpreting things and blowing them out of preportion. I WASN'T. he really, really DOESN'T care about me one whit anymore, I think that deserves some being upset when I obviously still care about him.

he tried to feed me some bullshit about "being able to care when i came to him with problems", until the problem is solved, but that's just that- bullshit. really caring about someone is not something you turn on and off when you think they need it and when you think they don't. either you care about them all the time and don't see it until they're in your face, or you just don't care at all. and i couldn't.. i couldn't bear trying to be friends with him knowing how much i still, even through all this, care about him, and knowing that he doesn't care about me anymore. that to him i'm just his old thrown-out game, cast upon the wayside.

I'm furious with him, I'm hurt, I'm... I don't know what. He actually had the balls to officially end the friendship, and I go off to my bed sobbing and he just goes on with life and DOESN'T CARE. how can anything hurt more than that, after all we've been through?

this is the guy I used to stay up all night with talking on skype. this is the guy who knew what I was trying to say even when I merely grunted. this is the guy with which i have well over 2000 pages of chatlog with. this is the guy who supported me through ess being in love with him, through ess almost killing herself, through every little battle, the guy who so many times, swore that he would always, always be there. and i swore the same, and i sat through his phases of deliberately trying to make me angry, of deliberately trying to make me hate him, because he thought he didn't deserve me, i sat through them because i knew he was a good guy. and now i don't know that anymore.

i can hope, deep in my heart of hearts, that some day he'll turn around and realize that what he did to me was horrible and that a true friend is better than any game. but i'm trying not to, because i don't think i can last very long hoping to get him back. it may be all i want, just to have my sweet, sensitive friend back... but i don't think i'll ever have him again.

my friends, this is the time to come out of the woodwork and make me feel loved. because right now, i feel just about as worthless as a person possibly can.