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May 28, 2006
I ruined everything. My life, my relationship. Everything. I don't have anything. The most important thing to me is gone. Again. Like always. He always leaves me. I can't hold on to him no matter what. I was supposed to do something. Something to make up for another screw up I did. A punishment. I tried. I really did. But I got scared and nervous and not sure what to do and I totally messed up. Totally ruined everything. And then I didn't know what to do about messing up. And he wouldn't tell me either. So then I made things even worse because I thought he was ignoring me on purpose to try to hurt me because I didn't do what I was supposed to do right. And now he hates me again. Just like always. The one person I love more than anything hates me. I don't even want to live anymore. He won't let me make it up to him. I screw up too many times and I can't help it. Everytime I fix things I ruin it again. And Jenna doesn't help. Calling him a jerk and saying mean things. I tell her to stop but she never does, and I think she was the last straw for him. I told her not to talk to me ever again. I don't know what else to do about it. She won't stop trying to stand up for me and she makes things worse. I can't even get him to talk to me now. I know I'm going to lose him, and I don't know what to do about it.
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