I was told not to get my hopes up, to keep doubt in my heart in the face of a wonderful, fantastical hope. The risks and the possibilities that could be proven any day and send me crashing down from a high pedestal of wishes and dreams.
I'd thought I'd knew them and was prepared for them.
I guess I wasn't.
I learned of something so suddenly the other day that had already been decided a month ago. Due to shame and guilt from the other party it was hidden as my heart continued to swell. And, unfortunately, the crash was terrible. The empty, aching feeling in some gap in my heart has so far been present whenever I'm not distracted. Forgetting it is impossible unless others are around to lift my spirits. To say that I'm sad is an understatement. I'm crestfallen.
I don't mean to worry anyone but I feel like I need to describe my sadness. All of my hopes were dashed a day or two ago, my dreams were shattered, and my heart hurt in such a strange, emotional way that it is almost foreign to me. It is similar to my sorrow a few months ago but there are the differences. For one, I was unsure, so it was more of an uncertain sadness. This is a more solid, heart heavy one. It is certain because the truth is staring me in the face.
--(Just) Ty
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