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a few months ago i had 2 of the worst dream I've ever had in me life. why were they so bad? because it was the happiest feeling i have ever felt. i was in such bliss that the moment i was awaken i had to fight the tear back. the dreams felt so real, i can still remember everything about the first one. the sights, the smells, the feelings i had. its hard to explain the pain i felt after being awaken. the full realization that it non of it was real.

the dream i remember the most starts with me meeting a boy i had a crush on from 5th grade to high school. well the only boy i ever had a crush on. we are in a warehouse participating in what feels like a robbery waiting for something or some one. he and i are partners waiting in a van and hes talking about when we were kids. how everything has changed and here we are together. i remember the feeling of his hand on top of mine warm and comforting. if i close me eye i can still picture how big it seemed over my own... then i was awaken by some one that wanted to ask me a question i cant even remember now.
the second dream is harder to remember, but i know that he was there again. but after both dreams there was pain, a crushing overwhelming saddens followed by a slight depression. i've had dreams before and i've even had nightmares, but i have never felt anything like that ever or since. nor do i ever want to. i was really scared about the way i reacted after the fact.

what i think it could meet.
about a week before i had the dream i ran in to that boy, well now a man. i dont think i had thought of him since high school. it was a little taken about but i dont remember any odd feelings while he engaged me in a little small talk. i actually thought it odd he was talking so much and gave him a quick 'great to see you again' add walked off to find a sit. plus we were in a doctors office, i didn't feel like small talk.
i think he was in my dream to remind me of happiness. when we were in school we did spend a lot of time together and i was very happy in those days. i was a kid, and i never noticed that he did have feelings for me too. then in high school we drifted apart a little but we tried to meet Tuesdays to play basketball. i was happy.
why is it so hard to be happy for me know. do i miss that relationship of maybe a boyfriend. i had never thought of it before. now since the dreams, i feel so empty. i told me best friend, who i have known since kindergarten about those dream. She started crying and then i finally got to cry. i dont know when it means but i hate it. empty, powerless, loveless ...