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I technically don't have a valentine. I haven't ever i think really had a valentine. I won't have one prolly for some time yet to come. I have had offers but it's not the same... some spontanious reaction to just be my valentine. If i'm ever going to have a valentine i want some sort of meaning behind it. Not just oh it's valentines day heres a gift. It should have Meaning. Most of my relationships don't have meaning. Or actually they do it's just i know there meaning and generally there is something lacking. I think maybe it's on my part, like i'm lacking something. I have depth its just i don't think many people reach it. I have walls which are there for people to breach but no one has.
I think it's that i don't know what i want but i'm searching for it anyways. I know when i find it, I'll know i've found it cause i won't be able to get rid of it lol.
It's nice to think that some one out there loves you. I was told once that i had some one like that. Someone crazy for me, someone who cared. It's a nice thought, a nice feeling. It is something to hold on to and to caress in the back of your mind before you go to sleep.
Its frightening in the way that i was told. The shape that this person took in my mind and the mind of others. This person wasn't what most would consider good. This person was a murderer a killer and was terribly possessive.
This person in some ways frightened me but at the same time there was something in me that felt like they knew every inch of this persons soul... that cared for them for thier flaws, that loved them for there flaws.
The idea also was shone to me that there was more then one. That a possibility existed that even if this one was lost to me, lost to my world, that there could possibly be another, a second and then a third. I had three possibilities that i could choose from. I had a choice. But each choice i loved, I knew the three personalities, the three types of people that i can love.
It's hard to make such a choice... each i hold in the back of my mind. None though i hold in my hand. None of these are realities, just possibilities
This year again i have no valentine... because my love belongs to none that i know. I have found none who i truly love with the depth of my soul. I do but i don't and i'm utterly confused. But there is the nice little thought in the back of my mind saying that i'm loved, truely loved.
I know others love me, and others find me pretty and others wish to be with me. I will be satisfied with this i think. Still there is something missing.
Words are too easy sometimes... yet profoundly difficult. I don't think most people truly know what love is, so they say it. They think they are speaking true but they are not. I doubt my own feelings about as much as others, yet i also accept them.
I am Not saying this properly. I should Think more before writing these.
Not like many read them. Lol.
Tis a nice thought though that someone loves you. Tis a comfort.