Raaaaandom. Please ignore everything from this point on in this specific entry, please. Not that you'll be seeing anything. .__.
Okay, so ... Probably not the best place to put this, but I wanna put it somewhere. There are some lines I've crossed ... That I told myself I never would. The lines I told myself I'd never cross started out as simply:
I will not drink alcohol
I will not have sex unless I feel I'm ready for it
I will not cut myself, no matter how bad life gets
I will not allow anyone to tell me what is right and wrong
I will not starve myself
I will not get involved in drug dealing
The first one deteriorated pretty fast. I told myself, "Okay, I'll just have a taste. I'll just take one to look cool. I won't finish it all. Okay, I just won't have a second one. I just won't get drunk." I never managed to cross that last line, no matter how much I drank ... And at one point, I tried to get shitfaced. Apparently, at 12 years old I had an amazing tolerance for alcohol. I never even got woozy or sick feeling. Nor did I ever wake up with a headache, even after having myself nearly a half-dozen coolers and a bottle of vodka to myself. Gross. Ew. I still don't know why I drank them, they taste nasty.
The second one ... I never broke, not really. Technically, I'm still a virgin. But I almost let myself get raped by another girl. I freaked out and slept on a floor smelling like cat pee before it got real bad. (She only had one bed, and so I saw nothing wrong with sharing since we were both girls ... Until she started doing stuff to me. Not at all fun.)
I'll skip to the last one here. I told myself I would never get involved with drug dealing, but for a while I was helping my mom do her runs. I counted her money, sometimes even cooked the coke for her when she was too busy to bother with it.
I will not starve myself. I wanted to see what it was like to go hungry. I liked the feeling. This has only been recently, and only when I can get away with it, since my (new?) family has breakfast and dinner together. Still. I crossed that line and I'm having a hard time going back.
I will not let anyone tell me what is right and wrong. I still don't. This is the one line I refuse to cross. I may smile and nod my head, but I'll still do what I feel is right, not what they tell me is right. And if they think what I do is wrong ... Well, too bad. So what if I like my Dr. Pepper?
The biggest line I crossed, ever, was the "I will not cut myself, no matter how bad life gets" line. I always told myself that life was good. I was alive, why bother hurting myself? But then ... I don't know what happened. In a rash decision, I picked up the shiny new pair of scissors I'd bought for art and ran it along my right arm, since I'm right handed (so there would be no suspicion). I bled a little bit. So I did it again, harder. More blood. Before I knew it, I would come home from school, sit down in my room, and make a new cut in a random place at a funny angle - one not easily achieved by the hand - and blame it on my clumsiness. Yeah. Done now. Just needed a place to put this. .__.
I will not drink alcohol
I will not have sex unless I feel I'm ready for it
I will not cut myself, no matter how bad life gets
I will not allow anyone to tell me what is right and wrong
I will not starve myself
I will not get involved in drug dealing
The first one deteriorated pretty fast. I told myself, "Okay, I'll just have a taste. I'll just take one to look cool. I won't finish it all. Okay, I just won't have a second one. I just won't get drunk." I never managed to cross that last line, no matter how much I drank ... And at one point, I tried to get shitfaced. Apparently, at 12 years old I had an amazing tolerance for alcohol. I never even got woozy or sick feeling. Nor did I ever wake up with a headache, even after having myself nearly a half-dozen coolers and a bottle of vodka to myself. Gross. Ew. I still don't know why I drank them, they taste nasty.
The second one ... I never broke, not really. Technically, I'm still a virgin. But I almost let myself get raped by another girl. I freaked out and slept on a floor smelling like cat pee before it got real bad. (She only had one bed, and so I saw nothing wrong with sharing since we were both girls ... Until she started doing stuff to me. Not at all fun.)
I'll skip to the last one here. I told myself I would never get involved with drug dealing, but for a while I was helping my mom do her runs. I counted her money, sometimes even cooked the coke for her when she was too busy to bother with it.
I will not starve myself. I wanted to see what it was like to go hungry. I liked the feeling. This has only been recently, and only when I can get away with it, since my (new?) family has breakfast and dinner together. Still. I crossed that line and I'm having a hard time going back.
I will not let anyone tell me what is right and wrong. I still don't. This is the one line I refuse to cross. I may smile and nod my head, but I'll still do what I feel is right, not what they tell me is right. And if they think what I do is wrong ... Well, too bad. So what if I like my Dr. Pepper?
The biggest line I crossed, ever, was the "I will not cut myself, no matter how bad life gets" line. I always told myself that life was good. I was alive, why bother hurting myself? But then ... I don't know what happened. In a rash decision, I picked up the shiny new pair of scissors I'd bought for art and ran it along my right arm, since I'm right handed (so there would be no suspicion). I bled a little bit. So I did it again, harder. More blood. Before I knew it, I would come home from school, sit down in my room, and make a new cut in a random place at a funny angle - one not easily achieved by the hand - and blame it on my clumsiness. Yeah. Done now. Just needed a place to put this. .__.
