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Ok, heres the deal. I'm turning into hudini. I'm going off for awhile on a nice long trip. I'll see you all again sometime, but I'm not sure when. Basically, theres just been too much going on right now for me to handle and i refuse to carry it anymore. From now on, you adress Brittany, not me.

Whats been happening: Ok, I've been reminiscing for awhile, not just about recent things, but other things to, and I don't feel the greatest anymore. They were right. I am nothing but a door mat. A compost heap for other peoples problems. First it was Parker with his mother, I did all that I could to help, listened, tried to consol him, help him any way that I could, and yet, it still turned out badly and I felt so bad for him, i did all that i could and i still couldn't help him. I can't help anybody it seems that I only make things worse with my enthusiam to try to help. Then it was my mom. She quit smoking and started turning into the immortal you know what from hell and now shes getting rid of my dog. I love my dog simon, and I don't want to see him go. Then I talked to my grandmother about my future and what i want to actually do with my life and I realised that shes the only one who has ever suppported me when I want to do what I want to do with my life. Its my life, I'm supposed to be the happy one, I shouldn't have to live my life the way they want just to make others happy.

Then it was the whole lauren thing. I was joking around and staring at Sammi and she just lightly slapped me under the chin and I you know laughed it off, she was too far away for me to hit effectively from my position. Then I did it to lauren, who hauled off and hit me under the chin so hard that my head nearly snapped back and laughed about it. I saw red. I lost it and I shouldn't have, but you don't slap me that hard in the face without some kind of retaliation. So I smacked her once on each cheek, you know, pimp style, not too hard, but hard enough to make it sting. Well, I accidentally hit her glasses, so I laughingly apologized to her. She just stormed out of French without speaking to me. Well, later at my locker, I was still fuming and kasey asked me what was wrong, so I was explaining it to her when Tiffany asked me to start over, so I start over, telling the story to Sammi, Kasey, and Tiffany, when Lauren walks up and hears me, then has the gaul to accuse me of gossiping about her and storms off again and i'm still pissed so i said "BYE!" in a happy go lucky tone, grateful to see her gone. Well, its raining outside and rain is one of the only things that actually makes me feel better, as soon as I walked outside, I was like "YAY! RAIN! =^_^=" and was in a good mood when I got home, the incident at school completely forgotten, when i get a call from Lauren, who is in tears by the way, about how she never thought that I would talk behind her back like that and how when she had come over to apologize, she had found me talking bad about her. To which the only thing that I could do was explain to her that I wasn't gossiping and that I hoped she would know me well enough to know that if i have a problem with someone, I don't gossip about them, I tell them! To which she hung up, still crying, as I was left to wonder whether or not she was going to kill herself or try to or if she would ever even speak to me again.

Then today, a painful fact was pointed out to me by my mom while me, her, and kasey were driving to the movie theaters. I'm always gonna be seen as one of the guys by everyone. Apparently I'm not a real girl or i'm not feminine enough to count as one, then Kasey agreed with her about my clothes. My mom basically wants me to debase myself and wear around preppy clothes, just so that I look better on her. Once I do that, I'm seen as one of them, you know, the girly girls who have nerry a though in their pretty little heads and who gossips about guys and friends alike while applying their make-up in the school bathrooms every morning. She wants me to be like her. The perfect child, wore nice clothes, got great grades, was a skinny little cheerleader who knew everybody, and who all of the guys fawned over. Well I'm not like that. First off, I dont have the body to wear those clothes, I'm too self concious. Secondly, they make me feel wrong. I don't feel right in them. Like my skin is crawling, trying to escape from them. So, then she pointed out, you need to be seen as a girl, not just one of the guys. So, basically, I need to be seen as a self-concious, dorky, 15 year old who the only thing guys want from me is sex? Thats interesting. I'd rather be just one of the guys, no matter how much that hurts, and have a guy eventually realize that I'm a girl and learn like me for me and not just because of what they see at first sight. So, now I'm forever doomed to be the black tee-shirt wearing, cussing, perverted, guy who just happens to be a girl, that everyone thinks of as a friend or a sister, not as anything more or less. But, you know what, I'm fine with that. No, I'm lying again. I'd love to be someone like Nika Hannis or Allison Rock who the only thing they have to worry about is finding clothes to wear out and what their boy friends will get them for their birthdays. But I can never be that. Its not who i am, they're the exact opposite of what I'll ever be. I think too much to be like them. Now my mom is smoking again because she broke up with her boyfriend of nine, almost ten, years today, but they'll be back together soon. They always are. After all, noone can resisit my mom. And she'll take him back like she always does, even though he's the sole reason why she keeps smoking, and they'll be ok for a little while. Then my mom will quit smoking, for good this time, and then they'll have another fight, she'll start smoking again, then were back where we started, over and over again.

My mom says that I wear my clothes to stand out, but really I wear them to fit in. But I still fit in with noone, because I don't wear my clothes to fit in. I wear them because they make me feel better about my own life and show what I really am. Somone that society frowns down at, somone that gives everything and gets nothing in return. A kid who will never be a real productive part of society. Someone who will live their life in the past, forgetting about their future, their noses stuck into dusty tomes of history, all the while life passes them by. I just can't take anymore of it. I'm tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of being tired. I want to sleep, but the damned can never sleep. We walk, living and yet dead. Sleep is a blissful dream that I can only dream of when I'm sleeping in this sleep that isn't really a sleep, dreaming this dream that isnt a dream, forever destined to follow in a continual loop that won't stop and dosn't have an end. I take on everyone elses problems, absorb them, and try to make them feel better while at the same time worrying about it more than they do most of the time. Its taking its toll on me and I have to give in or give up before it kills me.
So, goodbye for now everyone. Thanks for listening.

-Tani