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I'm sinking. Every breath I take does nothing but bring me closer to blackness in all of its entirety. I can't find my way out. No door. No light. All is gone. No meaning. Nothing left. I can't take this anymore, this futile life of strife, regret, and lies. I feel as if im standing in the middle of a crowd screaming and noone is hearing me. Pain. Pysical, mental. Excruciating, no more tears. The gift that I am blessed with, the in-ability to cry. All bottled up. Noone will ever know, the feelings inside of me that continue to grow. All of it, pointless, breath un-heeded. Gasping for air, trying to save myself from drowning. Quiet. All is quiet. Too quiet to be anything alive. Music, gone. Peace, resistance. I try to find a way out of this maze, following the trail of light that leads to the door. Wasted time, wasted youth, nothing to live for, noone to live for. Hand, fractured. mind, broken. Anger unleashed, noone is safe. Reprimands, of crimes uncomitted. Yelling, screaming, torrents of fire. Burning, screaming. At least it gives me light. Noone cares, noone notices. If i were gone, they would take no stock of the loss. Suicidal, wings spreading. Depression, muttered dreams. Stared at for my difference, hated for my likeness. Loved for nothing. Cared for by myself. Childhood gone, adulthood here too soon. Never got to be a kid, laughing is an unknown. Blood loss, excruciating. Mental images, pleasurable torture. Been telling you what you want to hear, thats just what i do. I give you comfort unnecessarily. Light dances, behind my eyes, its all i can see these days. I laugh to hide my sadness. I always play the fool, to hide my pain and understanding. Mother is gone, lost to me, hated for my father, hated for being me. I care for myself, my life is mine, yet not mine alone . chained down, she won't let go. She'll keep me for all of eternity. Happiness is not allowed, in this mental prison that i have caged myself in. My voice is gone, i have no say. Before long, they will take me away. Another teen statistic, without a face. Noone noticing that im gone, or that i was ever really there. Like a breeze, i float through, stopping here and there, cooling you, ruffling your hair before im gone again. What is to this life? what will i become? half a human, half a monster, shunned by the light, who am i really? am i really here at all? detached, floating, forgive me not. Noone ever does. Before long, you'll all leave me to. Its only a matter of time, before you see the monster hiding under the mask. Not perfect enough for my family, black sheep exterior. Clothing mirrors my inner soul, there are others here, no comfort though are they. Three seperate entities, trying to save indiviually, only themselves. Can't swim. water fills my lungs. Drowning, sinking faster, no rope to hold onto. The sun shuns my prescence, letting not a single ray touch my face. Only winter stays here, cold and intensly barren, never changing, only cold. Hiding everthing, watching others, smiling idly, happy just to look on. Watch them grow, happily they run. Leading their own lives, of which i cannot belong. Who am i? what am i? only i can know the answer. you will know it soon. Wings unfurled, banner wide they stay me here, the edge of the cliff is ahead, and after, the sea. I jump, i fall, my wings are gone. I took a leap, then they disappeared. Why did i jump? what the hell convinced me that i was ever able to fly? that i would ever be granted permission to soar above with the others who know nothing of this wasted life. The water is cold. Im going numb. Reality is a joke, played for by the media. Noone is real. I think that im sure. What is this strange living death that i have to endure? i wake, i eat, i go to school, everyday, nothing new. No adventurous life, always the same, mediocre living death. Eternity is a falsity, that young children and loving fools believe in. but not i. I know the myth theyre trying to pawn. Ever deeper, i catch a rock. The only thing binding me to this non-existant world. What is it? i cannot see. It must be something worthless, to save one such as me. I'll chase it away too soon, before its as bad as me. But i can't let go of my only foothold to this parallel reality. This dual personailty. Aramian is his name, my muse, my life and love. Keep me here. Whisper softly, in your guiding voice. Tell me what to do. Give me advice. Don't leave me again, not again. Please never, no. Give me a pen, a stylus and quill to write these pages in my blood. The ink is my only blood, the paper my mind. My hands, my heart. Keep me here, as I sign my name below. You see my name don't you. Its signed, calligraphic for all of you to see. Its Tani. Its me. Are you happier now, that you know the name of a girl, a thing, that does no exist? does it make your life seem greater, to know something so dark as i? does it give adventure to you who come to watch this moving screen of inkpaints and tears? This waterfall of little meaning, with a great impact upon nothing but itself, which it is slowly losing. Does it provide you with entertainment to watch me drown? i hope so. For that means that for once, i have given something of meaning back to those i stole from. I am Tani, to here i cling, staying still. afraid to move, letting go seems far too real. I can't let go. I won't. I must, for your sake, if not mine. But i can't. im too selfish to do that. Hold out your hand, help me if you can. Theres noone on the other side, to catch me as i fall. and you reach out, trying to do your good deed, like so many others have before. It won't help. I'll slip away before I can ever take your outstretched hand. just go, to leave me in my darkness, my eternal, comforting darkness.