Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I promised that Divinest Blind-Folded Misshap. would be the end.
The goodbye to the constant reminder
of being striped of all emotion towards
the person that I once loved.
Maybe i wish to continue the saga of empathy
because i enjoy self-inflicting depression.
Yelling out into the darkness of my memories,
epically failing to seduce the reel in question.
I ponder if this was meant to be?
Ya'know?
Like it was fate who ******** me over.
Like the light that i once heard in his voice
was to turn into something so ugly.
Like my heart rejected the thought of me enjoying
the painful past that we shared.
I never thought something so "Divine" and angelic
could sound so evil and unattractive.
Putrid and distasteful was the static on the phone.
I missed the comfort and love that danced on my heart
each and very time he called.
My desire to empty my thoughts to him.
And hear his response, in his beautiful humble bellow.
But all those feelings of lust and approval had died
along with the relationship that felt like boulders
and mountains of my emotions taunting me,
Telling me lies yet i started to believe in them.

As you should know,
I've explained it all in the four poems I hate.
I hate them because i feel like they could be more.
But i dare not change the original copy
each change twist my thoughts into a melody
that sings to their reader.
Like raindrops to the ground.
The meanings are all there but to understand them
and unlock them is the key.
Each one is different but all are the same.
The sound they make changes each time
the liquid collapses and shatters
Only few will devour and indulge the creation that came of me.

I assume I punished myself for even considering loving
this person after the time apart that felt like eternity.
I remember him telling me "You shouldn't love me"
But of course i ignored him.
How could i leave him when i embraced the danger of heartbreak.
The adrenalin of not knowing what could happen next.
He should of knew that i love uncertainty.
Not expecting any thing is a gift of mine that i will always cherish.

To be clear.
I dont hate him.
I love him more then cliche words can even describe,
how could they even come close to being worthy of him.
But my heart is confused and upset.
When he labeled us as friends.
I ignorantly agreed.
Oh how foolish of me.
He was mine and how did i willingly let you go?
I couldn't believe that you found another.
Oh so damn quickly?
I just ******** let it happen with no utter of objection.
In pure golden disbelief i played master mind in the whole game.

I felt as if you poured your ugly voice on top of me.
Making me enjoy destroying your mistake,
of leaving me.
Yet I felt as if I could work this into my favor
Yeah like you'd come back to me.
Thats what you wanted.
Or where you just using me?
Despite my true feelings for you,
Oh how much I yearned for your present of love
But I knew I could never let you understand me
ever again.
So I forbid them to show.
I so desperately hid them.
Fast asleep i tried to keep my feelings at bay
of killing the front I couldn't offered to watch burn.

But enough of that.
In truth I must hate him.
Yet I'm still drawn to him.
I still crave what once was and
will never be of life again..
I punished myself with the voice
beyond orgasmic definition
"Godly"

So you may wonder where I think
I stand with him,
To be honest i believe that he is looking
in the same stained poorly painted window
that is of my point of view.
Him loving someone who seems
So oblivious to the fact that he loves them.
Loving someone constantly with a
Juggernaut poker face.

But I wish that it was that easy.
To let you know how I feel.
Feeling the pressure to go beyond my way
and braking point to show you that I'm not weak.
Which devours my passionate side
the side you haven't fully unlocked yet.
You shower me with all your feelings,
and I spit out my emptiness.
I cant begin to explain what you mean to me.
Well at least I cant tell you directly.

If only I fully believed that you wouldn't leave me
then I could empty myself so full of emotion.
I hate myself for not telling you much sooner.
But my "i love yous" have been over used and thrown away
by the owners before you.

They ruined and tainted the body, mind and heart of me.
Making me question every "i love you" that you admit to me.
Shallow I understand.
But my mind is always so quick to fire.
To destroy all of my evidence but continue reeling the tapes
for necessary black mailing.

Vulnerable is what I fear the most.
My mouth sewn tight and my heart beat escalated.
A pen in hand.
I write my true feelings
Webbed and hid from a careless reader,
I could never muster the "balls" for.
The things I'd only admit to behind closed doors.