For today, Christmastide has come and gone again, and along with it, the cold, unfeeling realization that I am no longer a child. Forced to grow up too fast and act like an adult too soon, much of my childhood was spent in quiet contemplation of everything around me. Christmas was the only real time to actually let loose and be excited and act, for once, like a kid. I used to be so happy on christmas eve as I tried as hard as I could to stay up all night to see if Santa came and put presents under the tree or if he would like the cookies that I'd made for him.
Now, years later, as I woke this morning, I felt no particular sense of excitement or joy at the realization that it was christmas and that soon I would be engulfed by mountains of bows, ribbons, and wrapping paper, as I stared happily at the various assortment of toys and books thats I had asked for when I thought that noone had really been listening.
This morning I woke early and walked down stairs, drank my morning coffee and looked over at the brightly decorated and sparkiling white christmas tree, adorned with various ornaments, all of which had been made in different grades and schools, at different points in my life. I couldnt help but smile when i saw the pop-sickle stick rudolf which no longer has any eyes left because, with age and prying fingers, they have individually fallen off and dissappeared beneath the tinsle and lights.
Then I looked at the presents and felt no particular anticipation at opening them. All I saw was a future mess of bows and paper that I would later have to clean up. I basically told people what I wanted these days anyway so I knew more or less what was hidden in the various boxes and bags.
Then, as I was looking at those presents, an overwhelming sense of sadness came over me. I nearly cried with the weight of it all. The realization that I was no longer that happy six year old waking her parents up on christmas morning screaming that Santa had come and she had missed it because she had fallen asleep....again and that she would just have to try harder next year to stay awke all night.
Gone are the days of Santa Claus and watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas and "Rudolf the Red nosed Reindeer" on christmas eve. Never more would I throw reindeer food onto the lawn and roof so that the deer could eat to and so they wouldnt get tired at night.
I realised today with a strong sense of regret, that I have grown up with out ever really knowing it. When did I ever give anyone permission to allow me to grow up?!? I've grown up without my parents unheeding realization and my false sense of child-like reality.
What if I had wanted to stay that happy....forever, sneaking glances at myparents bedroom door as they quietly wrapped up gifts and plotting ways to find out what they were without them knowing.
Is this the unfortunate side effect of getting older?
The realization that your no longer a kid and you now have so much more to bear than you did before.
Now the next time I will ever feel as happy as I did on Christmas day is when one day I watch my child's eyes light up when they see that santa ate all of the cookies on the plate and even drank the milk too and how they must have been really good that year because they had gotten all that they had asked for. Just the though of another generation being that happy makes me smile. Is that the true gift of growing up? Knowing that even though your old enough to feel the difference, that one day, you will share that joy with another child? I guess that I won't know until I find out for myself, but until then, I will bid farewell to Childhood, but I will keep its memories close to my heart.
Farewell, you have been all too kind to me for far too long.
-redrum and wine-
Quotes from Kakashi :
- "Hmm how shall I say this... My first impression is... I don't like you guys."
- "I have no desire to tell you guys about my likes and dislikes"
Quotes from Sasuke :
- "There are tons of things I dislike and I don't really like anything."
