June 16, 2009 Wednesday 9:34PM
To my dearest Sennyo,
These people are my family, aren't they, in a way? M, Panda, Victory, and Blank Red/Crazy (although she wasn't here today at the youth-group thing because she's off in the south with her father) and, for the past few days, Sasume has been here in this small town, visiting for as long as he likes. He was with us (us, being M, Panda, Victory, and This Person) today at the youth-group thing. It was the yearly pool-party, although it wasn't very busy. There was a lot of pizza left. A regret of mine. I asked M/Cheezus and Panda if they thought that Den Ruts regretted sitting with us that evening dinner at our awards ceremony. For, I had thought so. It came into my head as a delusion of myself alone more or less with him, and apologizing to him for my friends and myself for (kind of) ignoring him." M and I agreed that he was really cute. She laughed. She said that on the Halloween haunted trail event, while she was working and practicing, he would scare the crap out of her from behind, just looking at her, for he had on 'Joker' make-up, yet in a police uniform/outfit, which didn't make much sense, she said. He seems like a nice boy, and a bit of a loner, although I didn't say aloud the latter. Panda had asked me while we were in the pool saying what our spirit animal was/what we wanted it to be why I was a/the hedgehog. I replied to her that it was because whenever I get close to people all I ever do is hurt them. I think my speech problem is getting the better of me, for the worse.
Did you know, Sennyo, that my second family's home had shut down? I failed to tell you. Please, forgive me. It was around mid-may, in the early 20's, (2009 of course) and with it many of our shared memories. I found the Hippo/the Ascetic on facebook, as well as Grandfather/Uncle (although I did not even attempt to Friend Grandfather/Uncle). I told the hippo about it, since he enquired of the URL, and then, a day or so later, Uncle's profile was gone. I found Emily/dreamer as well on facebook, and told her of Uncle. She contacted him about the family's site, he said he could have handled it better but what was done was done. He said that he had also tried to give out hints to the hippo and I about how he wished for us to change, since we were one of the causes of the family's downfall. But, we hadn't. Or, rather, I hadn't at least. Perhaps it was better for me to have remained a lurker of the family, and never to have come back as I had when I left in April. I should've left it for good, just like my first family. But, I couldn't, could I? This person hangs on, to so many little things. And regrets, so much. I couldn't let go of my second family's home because they had become something more personal to me than my first. So much was there. And now, now I can no longer speak to my beloved nonchalant Uncle, or even SweetS, my other beloved Uncle. I miss them all so much. Even hippo and I are falling apart now that we no longer have anything to hold us together. Our family has fallen apart.
Now, my 'new' family, my third, is this one here. My youth-group family. Although, we are a family with secrets. All friends have secrets, as do families, but it was always so different from my first and second. There, we had secrets to protect out identities, for fear of betrayal, and keeping public face, and other various things. But, now, having a family in reality is so much harder. It didn't feel real, this evening with them. It just didn't. I couldn't quite feel the relief and joy and relief of a lot of negativity that I could/would feel with my first and second family. M, I'm still afraid of her judgement. I won't ever forget her glances at that last overnight, the one after the award's ceremony. And, Victory, I just don't know how to break it to her about...everything. She's a good actor. And, if she's not acting, then she's a very good person indeed. Inside and out. Panda, I'm afraid of her connection to those who hold threats to me in reality. And, Sasume. I'm afraid of Sasume because of the grip he holds on my past, and now. I'm so terrible. I'm so mean. All I ever do is hurt people. I don't feel the slightest bit of attraction towards him. I ate like I was alone, sitting next to him. He probably dislikes me, even hates me, thinks I'm disgusting, and mean.
Is it because he let you down?
Did you expect to see him and he, changed into a beautiful young man, say 'I know who you are..." and embrace you?
You're pathetic.
Dreamer.
Sennyo, ... I really don't know what to do anymore. I've replaced you in my heart with something, and someone that's false. The ideal you, not the real you. And, the same can be applied to Him. Him, I have replaced in my heart as well. Forgive me, all of you. I'm so sorry.
[End Log] 10:01
Poison Fairy Sennyo Community Member 
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