|
Okay, so I have basically gotten over the guy I wrote about in my last journal, and I found someone else. Bad thing is...well...it's complicated. He's not really "looking for a girlfriend". His words, not mine.
So, we've known each other for about 5-6 months or so. And a few weeks ago, I realized that I was falling for him...hard. So, this past weekend, we went on our Senior Trip to Osage Beach, MO. We rode down on the bus together and hung out a lot the whole weekend. Except the hour and a half I spent in my room with the cramps, trying to nap. I ended up writing him a letter with the lyrics to If You Only Knew by Shinedown on it, along with a small personal note on the bottom. The thing is, I couldn't even give it to him personally. I had to stick it somewhere I knew he would find it. Later that night, I think he found it and he didn't talk to me the rest of the trip.
I think I might have overwhelmed him, maybe scared him off for good. I really hope I didn't ruin what little of a friendship we had. But my friends, specifically Saluk and Sarahbeara, said I was brave in taking the initiative in telling him, even though it was "Junior High" of me to tell him in a note.
To be honest, this is what I really wanted to tell him, I just was afraid to: (**Names have been changed**)
Why do I like you? I'm not even sure why. There's something about the way you can stay silent for such a long time, but still end up saying all you need to say in that silence. I love how you don't care what others think about you. I love your laugh, your smile. The way your eyes light up when you do both. I've only really known you for a little while, but I feel like I've known you through eternity. I love your voice, just a resonant timbre, simple but beautiful. Quiet, but powerful, possessive, commanding attention. And when you sing, you make me smile and think of how wonderful of a singing voice you have. I wish above all things that you knew how much I truly care about you. I've never felt this confusion, this...nonability to express the depth of my feelings for you. I don't think what I feel for you is just a "like" or a "crush". I think I've fallen, really hard, for you. I think...I think I love you. I don't really know what love feels like, because I've never really felt it before. Not from my family, from my friends, from **Kerr** when we were together. But what I feel for you eclipses all the feelings I have for anyone in my life. **Kenneth**, I love you more than anything in this world.
I wrote more to it that's going to be put into my novel and Kenneth is the name of the character that is based on the person I care about.
My main thought is what is your opinion, reader? Was I stupid or brave? And if you're a guy, what would you do if you got a letter saying something like what I wrote above? All comments/criticism is welcome. I just...I need help. Because when I think of him, I get this sharp jabbing pain just below my heart and it throbs for a few moments and then slightly turns to a deeper pain, closer to my stomach. If that isn't the pain of love and loss, then I must be crazy. Or something to that effect.
Anyways, this is Rachel/Ranchel/Singergurl17 signing off.
 singergurl17 · Wed May 20, 2009 @ 05:11am · 3 Comments |
