I fear it. Not everyone does but I do and I don’t know why. I’ve been trying not to for so long but ever since my last phone call from my mother, I’ve just been so lost. It hurts me to know how much she fears for my safety and it scares me to know what could happen to me or my family in just the blink of an eye. It’s eleven thirty and I’m still at rayne’s friend/my manager’s house. We were watching SAW. I was really trying to get in to it but for more than half of the movie, I couldn’t hear a thing. I was able to get bits in pieces but what most people fail to realize is that it’s really hard for me to hear things. I seriously have a problem with listening but that’s beside the point. Usually when my mother calls and complain about how I’m late and how the way I’m gonna get myself killed, I usually ignore her but for some reason today was different. It hurt to hear her say those things to me. I really wanted to cry. She was telling me how the way I don’t listen and how the way I’m playing around with my life. She was saying I was disobeying god and playing with the devil and that I was seriously gonna get killed. She started to mention things from my resent past and threw them in my face stating that they were strikes until I seriously get punished by god. I hate constantly being reminded that I was hit by a car and that my jaw was broken. Those memories are painful enough but to have my mother throw them in my face like she did really hurt me. Then she was saying how the way she was staying up trying to look out for me, hoping that I was on my way but finding out that I was still out really hurt her.
I don’t know what to do now. I’m at a great lost because now I can’t even look at life straight anymore. My neighborhood has gotten so much worse than what it was and people on a daily basis is always getting caught in some type of trouble. Gun shots is heard on a daily basis now and people are constantly getting hurt or dying, mostly dying. So my mother has every right in the world to be worried about me but it’s just that I really hate it when she stays up for me. She seriously will strain and push herself to the limits to stay up just to make sure that I arrive safely to the house. My mother is severely sick with something that I’m completely in the dark about. All I know is that she’s sick. I just found out that she has some type of hole in her hurt that’s being caused from stress. She’s also crippled. Her back is seriously messed up and it’s hard for her to bend down and walk and yet she works her a** off everyday. She stumbles a lot on her leg and I see her falling to the ground on strange occasions that just really make me wonder just how much is she hiding from us. She always has to lick salt to keep her from throwing up whenever she gets too stress and she can never get enough sleep. She always have to do some type of work and it’s so sad because all she really want is to have a clean house and a happy family but some so simple is never easy to obtain. My mother always tries to keep a smile on her face when she knows that she’s hurt and she really wants to hold on to all of her children as long as she possibly can but sadly enough we’re the ones breaking her down.
For as long as I can remember one of my biggest life goals was to grow up and become successful enough to support my mother and give her the life she’s always wanted for 47years. My mother has been suffering inside for that long and has managed to still go on even after all she’s been through. She seriously appreciates her life and the people she brought into this life. She may smoke and drink but it’s hard for her not to when everyday new stress is being put on her. I try to give her money every week from my job at the cleaners. I only give her 30 to 40 dollars every week but I know that’s not enough. No where near what she really needs. All though I’ve accomplished making it to college, I have yet to accomplish making her fully happy. I know it seems silly for me to think like that but it’s my mother for crying out loud. I have been spoiled for so long. I had it better than anyone in my family and I took it all for granted. Now I’m trying to move out and live with rayne and some other company but where does that leave my mother when she still has to younger kids in 6th grade. In the condition she’s in, I’m trying to move knowing that there’s no one to help her. What type of man does that make me if I move away from my mother just because of my best friend and my attempts to escape from the truth?
I really don’t know if I can do this. I mean my mother doesn’t have a problem with it and it would be really great to move out on my own but what about her. How am I helping her if I no longer around? Plus I’ve been so silent about this moving business. Mainly because rayne seriously wants to do this but I seriously think it’s stupid. None of us have any credit history. I don’t have a bank account. He doesn’t know how to save money well. We haven’t even taken school and other things into consideration. It’s almost December and Christmas is right around the corner. It’s getting cold out so we’re gonna have to pay a lot for heat and just etc. I only problem with us moving out is that I don’t want to leave my mother. I don’t want to be left in the dark about any thing because I never know what can happen to her. If I move, I want to be financially stable along with knowing in full, what in the hell I’m getting myself into. I really want everything to be just fine before I go.
This still doesn’t change my fear of death. I really don’t want people to be sad. I want people to be happy but nothing will get accomplished if I’m dead. What’ll happen to my mother if her only son that went to college died? I mean she trust me more than any of her other kids so if I’m gone what am I gonna do for her? Then its like I can’t get away from rayne. I see him so much as if I’m never going to see him again. It’s not like I’m attached to him or any of my other friends but I just fear myself going away. I mean there is no heaven or hell. Once you die you lose consciousness and you black out. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. Then slowly your existence is slowly erased by peoples memories because eventually they’re gonna have to move on. It’s sad but I’ve been thinking about it so much. I get lost in thought just thinking about multiple possibilities of how I can die. Sometimes I just think that I’m jinxing myself and that’s when I try to stop but then there are the constant attacks of pain from all over my body. On random occasions I would just get stabbed or shock with some horrible pain from any part of my body that just makes me jerk or scream and then just like that it’s gone. It’s so weird and unexplainable but it happens to me all the damn time which is so creepy. The only thing that comes to mind is that those places might be places where some one might kill from very soon.
I really want to stop thinking like this but I seriously can’t help it. I know I’m the only one who can really help my self but I’m seriously at a loss. Life has finally become so perfect in a way to me and it seems like now that’s it’s gotten this far that it’s now time for my time to end. I want the dark cloud to stop blocking my vision but as long as I keep running away from whatever it is that’s causing me to think like this then I’ll never become better. I don’t know what to do but I know one thing is for sure. Life is too precious and valuable for me to lose now. If I lose now then all of my dreams will be crushed. Others will be hurt by it and the only thing left of my existence will be my name carved on a grave stone.
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