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ok.
so, monday i went to my first lacrosse practice in 5 months....
yeah, we ran 3 miles in 30 minutes and i havent ran anywhere really((except for like twice))
since june so my legs hurt like bloody hell.
i almost cried teusday morning when i got up to walk down the stairs.
they still hurt, so im acting like a baby about it.
i guess i just feel like being pathetic for awhile even thoughn i know its getting on everybody's last nerve.
*sigh*
ive been kind of depressed lately, i keep saying its just because im sore, but i know thats not really it.
ive been like this since i came back from my grandmothers and she started talking about my dad.
you see, my dad and mom were divorced when i was around five.
he was abusive and used to hit my mom and could have seriously hurt me a few times as well. I grew up in a lack luster trailor with constant yelling and watching my mom get the living hell beaten out of her.
Its no wonder that i a little bit depraved....
Well, anyways, after the divorce, my mom got the trailor and custody of me while my dad was supposed to pay a 75 dollar a week child support fee.
i used to have to go every other weekend to visit my dad, and even though i disliked him, i still loved him, ya know? even though he yelled at me alot and said some terrible things about my mom and family, i couldnt help but love him, he was my dad.
well, by the time i was eight, our trailor burnt down, almost to the ground, we lost most of our things in the fire, which was supposedly an un-confirmed arson.
My mom, who finished at the top of her highschool graduating class never went to college, so was trying to support us both working a $8.50 an hour job. We tried to rebuild, but the builder kept scamming my mom for money and soon we had to stop and sold the land to just to try to pay off our debts. i was used to being made fun of at school by this point, being called an outsider and kids laughing at me, knowing that my dad had as they used to put it, "run off".
News travels fast in a small town. by the time i was 9, i had almost stopped seeing my dad altogether and was just used to it i guess. my mom and i used to move once and twice a year, to a new apartment and a new town, sometimes even a new state, just trying to make things somewhat better. My dad had stopped even calling our house and had gotten re-married to some skank in the bad part of town, living in a trailor, and not even paying child support, even though we obviously needed it. He had even stopped calling on my birthdays, or even christmas. my grandmother used to buy a few things and a nice card and said that they were from him, but i was old enough to figure out that they werent. The last time ive even heard my dads voice was february of 2001 when he called, actually wanting to do something with me, but i was sick and couldnt even get out of bed.
I was always my dad's little girl, the one and the only until the divorce.
but, even when he calls sometimes, feeling guilty, i cant stand him. what good is he to me now?!?
im grown! i grew up without him, so i have no use for him now.
i hate him, and i hate myself for hating him.
but, like i always do, ill grin and bear it and down play it alot, and act as if its nothing, it just gets a little too hard to bear sometimes....ya know?
so, im sorry you guys, but im a little bit down trodden, ill try to get back up to normal soon.
love all,
redrum and wine
"Shes like a fine wine, only better."
 redrum and wine · Thu Oct 13, 2005 @ 12:39am · 4 Comments |
