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Dear xanga, i have missed you so much! lol. Many um...um......i need a big word.... "experiences" have happened to me the past summer up to now (lol, that's not a big word). My current 'condition' within the past few weeks has been, well, ok...FLAT OUT "BLAH". lol. I have developed a habbit towards rubbing my eyes as i sleep. I twist and turn during this time as well, and have dreams concerning my present concerns about my surroundings with people and/or life. lol. I feel as if I'm being tested in life, and that it's one of those points where it's getting partially challenging. I am still battling my procrastination/laziness/doing my homework early in the morning before school starts. lol.

If there is any possible way for me to get help, it would be from myf riends, family, and people whom i feel are close to me. But, unfortunately, I feel that these people are also 'testing' my limits...and I want to come out of them positively.

I hope that I can change, and am still aware that I don't look as great as I want to be. I want to change a lot of things, but, as impatient as I am, i'm getting frustrated.

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ok, ********. lol. i'm done with that type of speaking/typing. The Click Five "Just the Girl" is one of my fave songs of this month...

like, we've been looking for computers ever since we left for Philippines...it's like OMFG....lol. so yeah, i think i've found the 'ok' computer. not the "OMFG IT'S SO KEWL!" computer...the "OMFG IT'S ALRIGHT!" computer. lol.

so yeah...tired....our laptops that we brought to philippines didn't get fixed. buying new computer....

schedule change....want to join clubs and get busy, but my body's not up to it yet.

there's my eyes, laziness, and yeah! gossh...maybe i'll get up to speed around 1st or 2nd week october....blah.

my schedule uh...changed. I'm in a different house/section of the school...where um, only 2 of my core classes are at, and the rest just scattered. lol. no 1st period, so start school at 9pm.

it's 11:43pm now, gosh ********. finished driver's ed last sunday..not taking permit test till tomorrow cuz mom thought it was ok to bring a copy of a birth certificate to the dmv...omfg so stupid. so yeah, yelling, blah blah...then off to find computer again (pain in the a**). i hate best buy and office depot. best buy, it makes you feel like they're forcing you to get a computer...and office depot doesn't really feel enthuciastic. all of them are the same basically, even circuit city..but that's where i wana get my computer... emachines T5010...pentium 4 512, 200gb hard drive, 512mb memory thing, ATI graphics card, uhk...... 2.93ghz (pretty fast), dvd + - burner (yes!)..windows xp home edition w/ sp 2 (it's fine..even though i wana play w/ windows media 2005 operating system...lol)...so yeah! like $759 subtract $300 rebates (******** rebates, take ******** forever, but saves price) ..which = $459....including tower, speakers, keyboard, mouse, flat screen CRT !7" monitor (fine...lol crt...$110 more to upgrade to 15" flat screen LCD)...so whatever.

um... 11:49pm..eyes hurt, fuking english. ******** powerpoing. anyway, i'm just blaming other tangible objects with no feelings/thought. lol. blah blah blah. i'll just read fuking outlines and fuking like fuking summerize them...lol. i feel ******** lazy. ********!!! lol.

******** need to like calm the ******** down, ******** help.lol. so yeah, need to order life/hw/thought/emotion all down in a few weeks, and hope everybody understands..blah..

and kristina says i sleep too much, that's why i'm tired....hahaha. but i'm tired...lol...lol.i need like a knock-out pill.

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i go through everything i have been doing so far,

only wishing to change the past,

knowing that it won't help anything,

and that it won't do any good.

what has happened is what is right before my face.

so many decisions, so many wrong outcomes...

if only i could show that to you now,

so that i can prove what i really mean.

please understand this is who I am,

and that only i can only change myself.

i may not be able to now, still observing,

but i know that i will,

because all i have left is you,

the last thing keeping me up on this sky high pillar,

built to hold us both.

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for any mistake i have made,

i can never take back.

all i can say is "sorry",

as my mind is out of whack.

know that it is still me,

acting idiotically...

knowing i can not be forgiven,

for all that I have done...

understand that I am me,

no other person...

so forgive me,

and set me towards the right path,

to which all of us can share together

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omfg i'm so ******** tired. lemme just note down these ******** outlines... lawl. hahahahha! lol.