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how to annoy the pizza parlor |
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i laughed so hard i nearly peed my pant at this one! enjoy!
1. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
2. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
3. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
4. Answer their questions with questions.
5. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
6. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
7. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
8. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
9. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
10. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
11. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
12. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
13. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
14. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
15. Ask to see a menu.
16. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
17. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
18. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
19. Be vague in your order.
20. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
21. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
22. Change your accent every three seconds.
23. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
24. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
25. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
26. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
27. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
29. Engage in some serious swapping.
30. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
31. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
32. Haggle.
33. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background.
34. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
35. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,
36. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
37. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
38. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be .99; please pull up to the first window."
39. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
40. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
41. Imitate the order taker's voice.
42. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
43. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
44. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
45. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
46. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
47. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
48. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
49. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
50. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
51. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
52. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
53. Order a one-inch pizza.
54. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
55. Order a steamed pizza.
56. Order term life insurance.
57. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
58. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
59. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
60. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
61. Play a sitar in the background.
62. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
63. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
64. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
65. Put them on hold.
66. Quote Carl Sandberg.
67. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
68. Rent a pizza.
69. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
70. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
71. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
72. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
73. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
74. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
75. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
76. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
77. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
78. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
79. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
80. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
81. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
82. Stutter on the letter "p."
83. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
84. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
85. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
86. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
87. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
88. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
89. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
90. Try to talk while drinking something.
91. Use CB lingo where applicable.
92. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
93. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
94. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
95. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
96. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
97. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
98. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
99. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
100. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
101. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
102. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
 treeslounge · Tue Aug 12, 2008 @ 10:38am · 0 Comments |
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