So late night I was talking with Paul.
He told me I don't know what love is.
And I never loved him.
When I did, I still do, he's making out I'm too young to know what love is.
Too stupid.
Yet I know what I feel?
I've given up, I just now want him to hate me.
I want to hate him, I don't wanna hurt anymore.
But I can't hate him =/
-sigh- I thought I'd return his stuff - nothing from him to see may help me heal?
He then said it proves I dont love him
Yet apparently I don't anyway?
I can;t win..
He said he dont know if he ever loved me.
So basically he lied to me for nearly 2yrs.
He's putting up a brick wall, yet gets shitty if I try to heal myself too.
I mentioned how I just want a boyfriend.
I dont want love ever again, it hurts too much when it's lost.
But I just want the company.
I want to feel wanted, feel special and important.
Right now, I feel none of that. I feel like the last two years I was just a tart.
I paid for alot of stuff for him.
We had sex when HE wanted. We did anything he wanted.
The sickening thing? I'd do it all again, for the rest of my life for him.
I crave his company, I adore him. I love him, I'd do anything.
Yet he won't accept that is the truth.
I miss the company, I miss feeling safe.
I miss being happy and knowing I had someone there for me.
Last night, I had three pots of ibroprophen infront of me, with a bottle of vodka.
I was gonna do myself in.
Yet just the small possibility of me being pregnant stopped me.
Not the want to live, because i have hated the last 16months to the actual day being alive.
For what I've done, and now what I've lost.
He told me I don't know what love is.
And I never loved him.
When I did, I still do, he's making out I'm too young to know what love is.
Too stupid.
Yet I know what I feel?
I've given up, I just now want him to hate me.
I want to hate him, I don't wanna hurt anymore.
But I can't hate him =/
-sigh- I thought I'd return his stuff - nothing from him to see may help me heal?
He then said it proves I dont love him
Yet apparently I don't anyway?
I can;t win..
He said he dont know if he ever loved me.
So basically he lied to me for nearly 2yrs.
He's putting up a brick wall, yet gets shitty if I try to heal myself too.
I mentioned how I just want a boyfriend.
I dont want love ever again, it hurts too much when it's lost.
But I just want the company.
I want to feel wanted, feel special and important.
Right now, I feel none of that. I feel like the last two years I was just a tart.
I paid for alot of stuff for him.
We had sex when HE wanted. We did anything he wanted.
The sickening thing? I'd do it all again, for the rest of my life for him.
I crave his company, I adore him. I love him, I'd do anything.
Yet he won't accept that is the truth.
I miss the company, I miss feeling safe.
I miss being happy and knowing I had someone there for me.
Last night, I had three pots of ibroprophen infront of me, with a bottle of vodka.
I was gonna do myself in.
Yet just the small possibility of me being pregnant stopped me.
Not the want to live, because i have hated the last 16months to the actual day being alive.
For what I've done, and now what I've lost.
![[Nympho] Whore](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/12/96/3c424a02339612.png?t=1316041160_6.00_11 "[Nympho] Whore")